"You wouldn't catch me going up in one of those", says the seasoned Air Corps officer, shaking his head.
A reassuring start to an experience which, I've been told, will almost certainly necessitate the use of the flimsy sick bag I've just been issued with.
Poised lightly on the tarmac of Casement Aerodrome in Baldonnell, Co Dublin, are the death machines the officer is referring to; four German-made Extra 330 LX aerobatic planes.
Picked out in gold lettering upon their pristine red liveries are the words 'Royal Jordanian Falcons', the national aerobatic demonstration team of the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan.
Formed on the orders of the late King Hussein in 1976, the team has been performing at air shows around the world for decades, and is one of the headline acts at the 2018 Bray Air Display.
It is, admits Ghazi Sadoun, "a dream job." The retired Royal Jordanian Air Force colonel and fighter pilot is giving me a pre-flight briefing while I manfully feign nonchalance over the morning's assignment.
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The Falcons have offered to bring RTÉ up on a demonstration flight, promising to "go easy" on us, while cheerfully mentioning that we're insured for $30m in the event of our fiery death.
"The stunts just look dangerous, it's all a trick of the eye", says Ghazi, while strapping me into a parachute that I almost certainly will not be able to use.
There's no ejector seat in these tiny, nimble stunt planes. "Try to jump out at a 45 degree angle", says Ghazi, in order to avoid the rear fin thingys, which will probably slice through me like butter.
Wedged into a cramped cockpit bristling with more Go Pros than a branch of Currys, it's not long before the four Extras are lifting into the muggy grey skies above Baldonnell.
We're in a tight diamond formation and even while merely cruising, it's unexpectedly exhilarating to be flying just metres from three other airplanes, almost close enough to reach out and touch.
I'm in No.3, piloted by Sherif, a man with a magnificent moustache and ice in his veins. Within minutes, we're over the Blessington Lakes, and with a brief thumbs-up, the show begins.
The G-forces immediately pin me back as the plane noses skywards, before we tip over backwards and my entrails enter my throat. Now all I can see are the black depths of the Poulaphouca Reservoir racing up to swallow us, before I'm slammed backwards again and the airplanes level out in perfect synchronisation.
"These planes pull more Gs than a F16", Ghazi had said, and as a former F16 instructor, I'll take his word for it. Sherif, however, clearly doesn't think that's sufficient, and we are hurled into endless loops and rolls in a flight that lasts for three long hours. The Go Pro later proves it was 15 minutes.
Despite feeling like I'd been strapped to a ballistic missile, there was little doubt that Sherif and the team had been pulling their punches with the newbie. Up to 150,000 people are expected to see the Falcons perform their real routine over Bray this weekend, along with the world-famous RAF Red Arrows, and 40 other vintage and state-of-the-art aircraft.
With the Foynes Air Show also taking place in Co Limerick on Saturday, it's a bumper weekend for Irish aviation fans, as well as a valuable boost to the local economies.
Back on terra firma, I triumphantly hand back my empty sick bag to a ground crew member who, like Sherif, also boasts a sublime moustache. It's the small victories that count on days like these.
