What's the best way to move on from a break-up?

Mending a broken heart is one of the most difficult things to do in life, but there are ways to move forward

It's not something any of us want to go through or even think about, but relationship breakups are a fairly inevitable part of life. So when they do happen, what's the best way to deal with them? GP and mental health specialist Dr Harry Barry and Dr Ann-Marie Creaven, lecturer in psychology at University of Limerick joined Claire Byrne on RTÉ Radio 1's Today with Claire Byrne to talk about how we can move on when a relationship ends.(This piece includes excerpts from the conversation which have been edited for length and clarity - you can hear the discussion in full above).

"Breakups at any age, even that teenage-level, adolescent-level, can be absolutely devastating," says Barry. "Some people break up normally and are quite happy, for some people it's actually relief to break up, for some people they're quite amicable. But where a serious commitment has been made by both people and both people were really trying to make it work and then it just doesn't work - that's when the pain starts."

Barry says a break up in a serious relationship is similar to experiencing grief, he says. "Grief is all about loss. What you're going to experience really is huge emotional upheaval in your life and huge social upheaval in your life."

We need your consent to load this rte-player contentWe use rte-player to manage extra content that can set cookies on your device and collect data about your activity. Please review their details and accept them to load the content.Manage Preferences

From RTÉ 2FM's Jennifer Zamparelli, Relationship and sex therapist Rachel Cooke on what to do about unrequited love

Creaven says we've seen a culture shift in how people partner. "Decades ago you couldn't get divorced but you can now. But we also have more current issues where people might want to cohabit with the new partner, but they can't afford to, so they're in the family home. Or you might have people who want to end their relationship and they're stuck living together for a little bit longer. Of course, people are getting married - if they get married at all - at a later stage," she adds.

Most of the research on breakups focuses on divorce because it's easier to study divorce, explains Creaven. "Divorce happens on a particular date, the paperwork is processed. Whereas breakups can be a little more blurry and there might be a bit of back and forth before the relationship is finally dissolved. So from a research perspective we tend to zoom in on divorce.

Research shows divorce is linked with physical and mental health issues, but that most people adapt well. One in five might still experience problems three years on, she says. "I would be hopeful that that percentage would decrease actually, because as we learn more about how to support people who are separating, or divorcing, or ending a relationship, and as we might remove some of the cultural stigma around that, I think it might be easier for people to cope."

Read more: The love lives of our 19th century ancestors

Responding to a text from a listener who writes they still feel sadness four years after a divorce, Barry says: "It's normal and healthy to feel these emotions. One of the things we have to do is sit with ourselves a little bit and accept that this sadness is part of the deal in terms of a breakup."

Barry identifies four key emotions that stop us from moving on after a relationship has ended; sadness, depression, anxiety and hurt. "Sadness is all about the loss and the reality is, that just like if somebody has died, if somebody has seriously broken up a relationship that relationship is over. And one of the things we have to accept, is not just the loss of the relationship, but the loss of the potential of what that relationship could have brought in the future," says Barry.

"The emotion of depression, not the illness, is very much associated with, "I'm a failure for letting this happen". It's all about, "I'm not good enough". One of my sayings is; "relationships fail, not people". Very often, we make it a personal failure - whereas in reality, for millions of reasons, relationships actually fail," he says.

From RTÉ 2FM's Jennifer Zamparelli, relationship therapist Andy Fitzpatrick on how to talk to your kids about separation

How do we respond to somebody who seems locked into the sadness four years later? "Sometimes in Ireland we can be bit cagey about [counselling]. "I don't need it" or "I'm fine" or "that's only for people with a significant mental health challenge" and "this is just something I'm going through," says Creaven. "But sitting down with someone appropriately qualified to talk through your challenges could be massively helpful and cathartic." She recommends The Psychological Society of Ireland website as a place to start looking for someone to talk to.

"When you lose a relationship or you lose a marriage, particularly for men, actually you're losing your confidant a lot of the time. You're losing the person who would help you cope with other stressful events. Your friends don't naturally replace that quickly. For women, often they have more people in their lives they rely on outside of the marital relationship, so actually can be a little bit easier in that regard. But for men, I think I would reach out, find a person that you can talk to," adds Creaven. Sometimes your workplace may offer counselling services or you can find someone externally.

Return to the emotions people experience going through a break-up, Barry says both anxiety and hurt block people from moving on. "This anxiety is all about, "I'm never going to find a person like this again", "I'm never going to have the perfect relationship that I really thought I would have". Someone might start avoiding trying to find a new relationship because they're concerned it will fail and "I'll be a failure again," explains Barry. "I keep saying to people, look, what you have to understand is every time you go into a relationship there is a potential that it might work and it might not work. Will the chemistry work? Will the communication be right? Are these circumstances right? You have to accept that there is a risk. You have no control of what happens." But, says Barry, "the only failure in life is not getting up and trying again. It could be the 11th person that's the person."

From RTÉ Archives, a year after divorce became legal under Irish law what has been the experience? (Broadcast 18 February 1998)

According to Barry, hurt is the emotion that causes the greatest problems in a relationship break-up. "That's where the person feels they haven't been treated fairly by that other person or by life. They become bitter and resentful and closed down and they carry that into any future relationships, which destroys the potential for future relationships." Barry says it's important to learn to forgive the person, even if you're critical of the their actions. "You're quite entitled to challenge their actions, but you must learn to forgive the person. Not because it helps them, but because it helps you."

On the topic of people who are forced to keep living together after a break up because they can't afford to move on or move out, Creaven adds that while the best solution would really be more housing, couples can start by establishing some ground rules to manage the situation and being proactive about resolving it. "All you can do is be as respectful of the other person as possible and try to bring that solution to a close. I completely appreciate that it's not an easy thing to do at the moment," says Creaven.

Creaven adds that there can often be a stigma around not pairing off with someone. "I hope that stigma is decreasing, we do see more attention to what a single life looks like. There's so many ways to live a happy, socially-connected life. It's not for everyone to be in a relationship forever or multiple relationships even."

Read more: The love lives of our 19th century ancestors

More stories on