Counselling psychologist Niamh Delmar looks at the factors to consider before committing to marriage.
The number of marriages in Ireland in 2024 was down by almost 4% on 2023. Global data indicate declining rates of marriage, with couples getting married older than generations before them.
This may be of concern, as research has discovered both the physical and mental health benefits of marriage. Studies have also found marriage to be a protective factor against psychological distress.
It has been identified that married people tend to live longer and have a lower risk of depression than their single counterparts. Couples also have economic advantages when sharing mortgages and bills.
However, those in stressful marriages tend to fare worse off physically and emotionally. While some people are looking for long-term love, more and more are content staying single. Some research found that while cohabitation provides beneficial contributing factors to well-being, the formal arrangement of marriage offers additional security, public recognition and emotional stability.
The quality of a parental marriage is a significant predictor of childrens' long-term health. Choosing your partner is a decision that will influence your quality of life, health and the entire family dynamic.
Factors to consider before committing:
It starts with yourself: your childhood, attachment styles, life experiences and your experience of relationships. Work on yourselves individually first. Identify what emotional overspill may be unresolved from previous situations.
Spend time exploring each other's histories and uncover emotional triggers: Know the reasons you want to commit to this person. Be wary of any sense of urgency, unrealistic preconceptions, societal or familial pressures and qualities that are superficial. Scientists have found data to back up the old saying that 'love is blind'. In the early stages, reduced activity in the prefrontal cortex of the brain impacts logical thinking and assessments of others, so taking time is wise.
Consider the three C's of a healthy relationship: communication, compromise and commitment. A fourth C to be added is compatibility, and a fifth one for lasting love is connection.
Effective communication among couples involves active listening and engaging in an adult way. This buffers against simmering resentments by addressing issues promptly. Observe how conflict is resolved, and work on unhealthy responses such as huffing, shutting down or storming off.
Compromise is about give and take, as needed. A healthy relationship is collaborative and entails mutual respect, acknowledging each other's feelings and being solution-focused. Take a look at how mutually committed you are to each other, and what marriage means.
Is it a lifelong vow through sickness and in health, or is it something that is seen as not having to be forever? Is your partner emotionally available and ready? The distraction, planning and excitement of a wedding can camouflage a few surfacing issues.
Relationship compatibility does not mean that everything has to align and match among a couple. However, research shows that opposites do not actually attract and that couples tend to be more similar than different to each other. Shared values and common interests deepen bonding. Lifestyle, viewpoints, sociality, morals, religion, a sense of humour and intellect are just some compatibility dimensions analysed by researchers.
Connection is emotional intimacy in which partners understand and appreciate each other. Psychologist and researcher John Gottman refers to couples' responses as 'bids of connection' which can make or break a relationship. Bids may be compliments, affiliating gestures, efforts made, thoughtfulness, showing interest, paying attention to you, and understanding your world.
Gottman found that happy couples make approximately 100 bids in a 10-minute period. How your partner responds to your bids matters: turning towards, turning away or turning against. Gottman found that happy couples turn towards each other 86% of the time. Excessive phone use is a modern disconnecting behaviour, often receiving more attention than a partner!
Personality is also a factor that features. If one partner is extroverted and socialises a lot, and the other is more introverted, how will this be negotiated? Can differences be acknowledged and respected? Any undesirable traits can lead to unhappiness.
The topic of children needs conversations and agreements. Children from previous relationships, whether to start a family or not, and parenting duties and styles are significant issues to discuss. Explore how you would both handle fertility issues or loss.
Set healthy boundaries with each other, and with friends and extended family. Domestic life with the division of labour and childcare duties can become a source of conflict among couples. Uncovering attitudes about roles can identify any potential aggravating factors.
Money is another common hot topic, as is evident from relationship counselling. Assessing the financial landscape and making agreements can buffer money-based arguments or resentments. Are you both financially independent? How would finances change if you started a family? What are your spending habits? How will accounts be managed?
Intimacy is an issue that changes over time and is often difficult for couples to discuss. The sexual relationship and mismatched libidos can create distance. Pregnancy, post-partum, menopause, medical conditions and medication are just some of the influences on sex drive. Couples committing to each other can consider how this will be navigated and what will sustain the relationship.
Gottman's specific predictors of relationship success include emotional intelligence, empathy and a growth mindset. Having a sense of humour and a positive outlook lightens the tone of the relationship.
Assess what is and isn't comprimisable and your needs and themes that have arisen for you in the past. What are your deal makers and deal breakers, and are they reasonable? Rather than waiting for things to go wrong before engaging in couples counselling, access a few sessions prior to making the commitment.
If there are any signs of physical, mental or emotional abuse, step away and seek professional support* for yourself. People tend to miss or ignore red flags that, in retrospect, they knew were there.
Neurological, developmental and psychological factors override clarity at the early stages of relationships. The brain distorts reality, and cognitive dissonance means that you love the partner, yet know they are harming you. You then reframe their abusive ways.
Relational red flags include controlling behaviours, a power imbalance and relational lovebombing. Having a network of trusted people you can discuss specific incidents with is protective.
Honeymoon periods end, relationships evolve. Realistic expectations, communication and core issues then become the driving forces. Foundations need to be solid to withstand challenges to the union.
Bringing full awareness to the partnership with your eyes wide open helps to commit with clarity.
*If you have been affected by any topics in this article, visit https://about.rte.ie/ie/helplines/
The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ
