Sarah Kiely Lavelle speaks with marriage counsellor Daniela Gonzalez about the hurdles couples can face in their first year of marriage.
The first year of marriage is often romanticised, but relationship experts say it's actually when couples establish the habits that shape the long-term success of their partnership.
It’s far more just than a merging of families and worlds; it’s about managing expectations and negotiating your new life as a married couple.
We asked marriage counsellor Daniela Gonzalez from The Other Clinic for tips to set couples up for success during that all-important first year.
Great Expectations
Many experts say the first year of marriage sets the tone for the relationship that follows. It’s during those initial 12 months that couples often unknowingly establish the blueprint for their communication and attachment styles. Everything, from how you handle stress and conflict to making major life choices, takes shape.
Daniela explains: '’For a lot of couples that have not lived together prior to the wedding, marriage might bring a lot of expectations of what it might be like. This may even be the case if people have lived together before getting married. Expectations can be about what role and responsibilities each partner might take within the marriage.’’
Planning a wedding is such an exciting time for couples, but after the pomp and ceremony of the big day dies down, it can cause a reality check for some.
"The rose-tinted glasses come off, and couples might become acquainted more with each other's habits, pet peeves, and peculiarities, which can cause irritations and conflict. Daily, mundane life, work and responsibilities become part of each couple's life. Generally, it is within the first year that each partner takes on a role within married life, which often tends to continue long after the first year,’’ she tells us.
Common Challenges
It’s crucial to have alignment on core values before committing to one another to maintain a healthy relationship and harmony at home. Gaps can appear when couples have not discussed and agreed on how the finances are arranged, how free time is spent or when parenting styles have not been agreed on.
‘’Many couples shy away from conversations regarding finances and parenting and roles they might agree on, if children are planned,’’ Daniela tells us.
This can cause conflict further down the line for couples. Another very common topic that couples tend to shy away from is how they feel about intimacy, and what intimacy means to each partner.
"Within this, couples often avoid discussing what they might consider acceptable behaviour when it comes to sexual behaviours, likes and dislikes, and what cheating might consist of by each partner.’’ she shares.
Culture Clash
You’re not just marrying your person, you're also marrying into each other’s families’ traditions, values and dynamics. Things can easily go off the boil if conversations around this are not had early on in the relationship and marriage.
Daniela details how this can present early on in marriage, ‘’for many non-western cultures, but even within western cultures, what role each other's family of origin plays can create challenging issues for a couple. Cultural values and morals regarding financial contributions towards family members can become serious points of conflict and disagreement.’’
It’s also important to have your own boundaries respected when it comes to blending into your in-laws' lives without compromising on your own values or losing yourself in the process.
Points of contention Daniela sees arise when it comes to the involvement of in-laws in how children are being brought up, or how holidays and free time might be spent. So knowing who and what you’re marrying into is paramount for fusing families together, to avoid pulling your hair out over child-rearing remarks or where to spend Christmas.
Warning Signs
There will, of course, be teething problems in any relationship, but it’s about knowing what signs you can’t ignore, something Daniela has seen proven time and time again.
‘’Research shows that when bids for attention by one partner are ignored or not recognised by the other partner, disconnection can happen and issues can arise. Similarly, when couples stop showing appreciation for each other, this may be an early warning sign that all is not well within the marriage.’’
Intimacy is a major pillar of a marriage that needs to be addressed. It can mean different things to each person and can be represented physically and emotionally. It’s often about feeling safe with your person and how that translates into both communication and conduct.
‘’It’s important to discuss how both partners view intimacy, and in a world where most people are surrounded by social media and the internet, it might be wise for couples to discuss what each of them finds acceptable or not acceptable behaviour within the relationship,’’ Daniela advises.
Staying Connected
Daniela explains the importance of rituals to maintain and sustain meaningful connections.
"In today's Western society, many couples experience financial pressures and stresses around work and parenting. With this, many old traditions have been cast aside. Nowadays, many couples enjoy their dinner sitting on the sofa watching TV, for example, after a long day's work.
"Although this may seem innocuous, over time, many couples find that they have stopped talking to each other, and they become more and more disconnected from each other. It is important for the couple to introduce some rituals where they set time apart to actively spend time together, however little time there might be.’’
Communicate Clearly
This one sounds obvious, but it’s often where people fall down, not out of lack or love or affection, but clarity.
"Strong couples often communicate with each other in a respectful manner, with the intent of trying to understand the other's point of view. Strong couples often understand that we as people change throughout our lives. Rather than making assumptions about each other, they show interest, curiosity and appreciation towards each other," Daniela tells us.
Some of us unwittingly come into a marriage with an inherited communication style shaped by family or previous relationships.
Daniela shares that the most common mistakes that come up in arguments are when couples engage in:
"It’s what the Gottmans call the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling can escalate arguments quickly, making resolution harder to attain. Often, people avoid speaking about their feelings and thoughts to avoid hurting the other partner. Unfortunately, in the long run, this can mean that they hurt themselves and the relationship.’’
Limits of Love
Love doesn’t automatically make you a good communicator or enable you to repair after conflict. It’s crucial to maintain your own autonomy and happiness while you grow together and to do the groundwork as a couple.
"Most often, couples think that their love for each other will overcome the challenges. In my opinion, they often underestimate the importance of agreeing on what the non-negotiables and negotiables are regarding role division, values and norms.
"Genuine intent and desire to spend time together will make a partner feel valued and appreciated. It’s important to show up for your partner throughout the marriage and commit to protecting the relationship to the best of your ability.
"Discuss and decide what your shared dreams are together, and your individual life dreams. How might you go about reaching these in your lives together?"
The first year of marriage doesn't have to define your destiny, but it can be revealing. If both parties are committed to learning as they go and choosing each other every day, you won’t go far off course.
Daniela Gonzalez is an accredited psychotherapist & counsellor with IACP, IAHIP and the ICP and can be found at The Other Clinic.
