Counselling psychologist Niamh Delmar discusses family estrangement and how tricky relationships may be repaired.
Brooklyn Beckham made headlines recently when he posted grievances about his parents on Instagram, telling followers that he had no interest in reconciling with his family.
The former model and photographer stated, "I do not want to reconcile with my family. I'm not being controlled, I’m standing up for myself for the first time in my life. For my entire life, my parents have controlled narratives in the press about our family. The performative social media posts, family events and inauthentic relationships have been a fixture of the life I was born into."
Victoria and David Beckham have yet to respond to the comments, but the family feud led me to think about the adult children who sever ties with their parents, choosing to go 'low contact' or 'no contact.'
While for some, the contributing factors are extreme, for others, they are less so.
According to Dr Joshua Coleman, parent-child estrangement is becoming increasingly common, with the clinical psychologist calling it "a kind of silent epidemic".
Family estrangement is often referred to as 'intentional distancing' of a family member. There are over two billion hashtags online discussing this topic, with the phrase 'toxic parents' featuring heavily.
Forums and support groups such as 'raised by narcissists' offer online communities fostering a hardline approach.
While some go no-contact as a result of abusive behaviours, other reasons are emerging. Personality clashes, differences in values, over-involvement and physical distance have been cited.
Often, there is a build-up of resentments, and families are no longer seen as being forever.
In my opinion, there is limited input for adult children who may just need some space, help with setting boundaries or reconciling. Parents and adult children are instead sharing their experiences through the digital world.
In a more individualistic society, careers, friendships, partners and therapists are replacing some relational aspects with parents. Crossed wires, different versions of the past, or a breakdown in communication can feature. The longer the time apart, the more challenging it becomes to reconnect.
There has been a cultural shift from 'honouring thy father and mother,' respecting elders or being dutiful to parents. Less stigma arises if a poor relationship exists.
Psychologist and author Dr Josh Coleman found in his research in this area that many more younger people are now in therapy and focus on wellness. A recurring reason that Coleman posited was that going no contact was to protect mental health.
The research also found that many situations arose following divorced parents and between mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws.
Additionally, a study in America of more than 1,000 mothers estranged from their adult children found that nearly 80% believed that an ex-husband or their son or daughter-in-law had turned their children against them.
While this study only looked at mothers' views, the results suggest that mothers and their children don't generally agree on the reasons for their problems.
"There’s a real disconnect between what the mothers are saying and what their adult children are saying about why they aren’t talking," said Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan, lead author of the study and professor of psychology at The Ohio State University.
"It has real implications for what clinicians and others need to consider when they are trying to heal these relationships."
In many of these cases, I believe that context and other influencing issues are often overlooked.
Parenting has radically changed in recent years, so a parent's 'best' in the past may not have been enough for their child. In today's world, there are revised versions of what constitutes trauma triggers, abuse or neglect. An adult child's recollection of their childhood and how they were parented may be very different to the parents'.
The fall-out
Adult children of abusive parents report relief, better mental health and quality of life after going no contact. Some parents feel they have been categorised into this group unfairly and inaccurately. They feel falsely accused and cut off ruthlessly with no opportunity to discuss.
Parents describe shock and a continuous form of grieving. They may also be deprived of bonding with grandchildren. Landmarks such as Mother's Day, birthdays and Christmas intensify their mourning. There is often a sense of helplessness, confusion and guilt.
The parent may feel a sense of deep hurt and betrayal if the adult child is connected with others in the family circle. Such a loss impacts mental and physical health in a dramatic way. Estranged parents feel isolated and reluctant to open up to others about the situation. The parents' life may be slowing down while the adult child is at their busiest with career, raising a family or other obligations.
Reconciliation
If the current strategy is not working, a different one needs to be tried. It is important that no more layers of hurt, anger or resentment are layered on. Manipulation, guilt-tripping and defensiveness drive a deeper wedge.
Any communication needs to move towards healing and repair, not more pain. Avoid drama and reactivity. Each person needs to be deeply self-aware and take some personal responsibility. In such emotive territory, time and space are often needed.
Each party can do some work on themselves, try to understand the other person's position and not remain stuck in theirs. Parents feel rejected, and the adult children feel unheard. It needs to reach a stage where it is not about being right. Egos can block reconciliation.
Josh Coleman recommends the parent send a ' letter of ammends' with a follow-up asking if there are any questions or comments. The letter involves stating, "I know you wouldn't be doing this unless you felt it's the healthiest thing to do."
The parent also acknowledges blindspots to why this alienation is needed, but is open to learn and to hear. It is offered to work on any aspects in therapy, and if the adult child would be willing to engage in family therapy together.
A sincere apology for any hurt caused can be a powerful gesture. Show how much this relationship matters, and continue with ongoing effort. It is a process involving self-awareness, compassion, empathy, forgiveness and accountability. Both parties need to stay in the adult and then accept it is on the adult child's terms about how often it suits to meet, where, what is appropriate or not, and contact arrangements with grandchildren.
Some conversational topics or opinions may need to be banned. Be mindful of tone of voice and body language. The use of language can infuse or diffuse the dynamic. Open your heart and explore what you could do to help heal the relationship. The estranged person can avail of support in therapy, through support groups and online forums, and expand their life, friendships and other familial bonds.
In today's world, it is a new and complex landscape of parent-adult child relationships. Parental alienation doesn't have to be forever, as studies reveal 81% of adult children have reconnected with their mothers and 69% with fathers.
Resources:
Family Therapy Association of Ireland
Psychological Society Ireland
Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy
Rules of Estrangement by Dr. Josh Coleman
The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ
