Counselling psychiatrist Niamh Delmar shares her tips for staying cool, calm and collected this Christmas.
Christmas brings the best and the worst out of humanity. No matter how sparkly the festive season may be, celebrations can be dulled by difficult interactions.
Christmas stress has been identified in the research as one of the most testing life events, along with divorce, changing jobs, and moving house.
Fairytale images, hardfast traditions and unrealistic expectations can contribute to emotional overload. Messages about love, family, reunions and connections are amplified and idealised. Not to mention financial difficulties, bereavements, relationship break-ups and family splits that can feel amplified at this time of year.
Loneliness and isolation are on the increase during the holidays. Gatherings with family, friends, and colleagues create a people-overload, while others feel a deficit.
Anticipatory anxiety and stress feature in the build-up, too. Issues about where to spend Christmas, whose family to visit, or, if separated, where the children will go can cause turmoil. Moving around from house to house or travelling in challenging weather conditions is no fun.
To-do lists and shopping lists get longer, and consumers can get sucked into the marketing frenzy. According to a survey by KPMG, 77% of adults in Ireland expect Christmas to be significantly more expensive this year.
You may find yourself feeling like you have to or should meet with certain people, but not actually want to. Feeling stuck with someone who is opinionated, argumentative, negative or critical stirs up frustration and guilt. Witnessing addictive behaviours can instil feelings of worry and helplessness.
Being cooped up together for long periods of time with people you feel an obligation to be with can feel torturous.
Fractious family relations at Christmas are common. Research shows an extreme negative impact on these dynamics this time of year, aggravated by workload, financial stress, addiction, different expectations, beliefs and values, issues relating to children from previous relationships, and time with extended family.
While there may be high expectations for harmony, the reality often disappoints. Old stuff may be bubbling and resentments simmering. Old roles and patterns resurface, adding to the drama. In-laws and outsiders can defuse or infuse family dynamics.
Teens on screens are a further source of contention in many households, as expectations to interact with family and join in are held. Pressure to create the perfect Christmas is a recipe for stress and disappointment.
Tips for a smooth Christmas
With tricky situations, communication and planning are key. If you were to have your ideal Christmas, how would it look?
Try to choose a different type of Christmas or a different attitude, and try to let go of old traditions if they do not serve you today. Don't fill up your Christmas diary unnecessarily and try to limit any potential drama.
Stick to a budget
When it comes to finances, set a Christmas budget and stick to it. Search for bargains and Black Friday deals. Suggest a Secret Santa within your friend group or commit to buying second hand for one another.
Research shows that people are spending less on presents and going out this Christmas, with the higher cost of living.
Plan your escape
If you are faced with difficult personalities, limit the time spent in their company and have escape tactics. Avoid staying over, take breaks, and lessen the intensity by going out for walks, playing cards and board games or watching a movie.
Be mentally prepared
Change your approach and be well prepared mentally. Have neutral conversations, and don't get sucked into conflictual territory.
Accepting the person the way they are, and that they may never change, is freeing. Be aware of what presses your buttons, but remember they are your buttons. We can choose how we respond. Obsessing about it, ranting, or venting may feel good, but research shows it actually augments anger.
Check your triggers
Emotional regulation is about not acting or speaking from big emotions. Emotions rise and last about 90 seconds, so you can use that space to step away, change the subject, or refocus your attention. Be mindful of Christmas emotional contagion when you get easily triggered by how other people are feeling. Know what is and isn't your issue. If you are not feeling respected, consider if you really need to be there.
Reflect on your impact
If you suspect you are the difficult one, are argumentative, get easily offended, shut down or drink too much, reflect on the impact on others. Do you add joy to the festivities, or take the sparkle from it? Are your words and tone loving and warm? Do you slip back into old familial roles, such as the petulant child or the attention seeker?
How much do you give and help? What Christmas memories are you creating? Have reasonable expectations of others, and meet people where they are at. Perhaps your own hurt, unhappiness or stress is leaking on everyone around you. What changes would you like to make?
How to be a calm host
If you are the host of a Christmas event, plan and prepare. Set expectations with guests early on and be clear about how long it suits you for visitors to stay. Let people know your plans, as this may be your only break from work in a while.
Entertaining can be exhausting, so delegate tasks such as asking guests to walk the dog, entertain a child, bring dessert, or help clear up. Don't be afraid to down tools after and put your feet up.
How to be a helpful guest
If you're the guest, show appreciation. Offer to help, but don't get in the way. Compliment the food, how the house is looking, and acknowledge the huge effort that has been made for you. Having visitors involves days of cleaning, putting up the tree and decorations, preparing beds, clearing out rooms, shopping and food preparation.
Don't come empty-handed and be prepared to go with the flow. Make a social effort by mingling with other guests and engaging in conversations.
Final thoughts
To enjoy a smooth Christmas, adopt a calmer attitude, mind the emotional reactions, and be aware of triggers.
Plan for tricky situations and choose neutral responses and exit strategies with difficult people. Be aware of how you may be presenting and set realistic expectations of yourself and others.
Pace yourself, stick to a budget, and be sure to get lots of light and fresh air. Nature is a tonic to lower cortisol levels in the midst of the festive bustle. Remember to schedule periods to deflate.
If you are facing any extreme issue, reach out for support in advance from your GP, a Mental Health Professional or a relevant organisation.
If you have been affected by issues raised in this story, please visit: www.rte.ie/helplines.
The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ.
