When parents place too much responsibility and are overly dependent on their children, it is referred to as parentificiation.
Unhealthy boundaries and unrealistic expectations feature as young people take on adult roles as cleaners, babysitters, supporters or mediators. They are expected to serve the psychological and practical needs of parents.
There are two types of parentification: emotional and instrumental. A parent overly shares about relationships, life struggles and their past, or delegates excessive duties. Emeshment and over-involvement can overshadow childhood experiences.
While some levels of responsibility in the young years foster life skills and resilience, children need to be cognitively and physiologically ready. Their brains are not fully developed until age 25. Ongoing stress impacts the developing individual neurologically and physiologically.
A child who is an emotional crutch to a parent, or a protector from an aggressor, gets stretched beyond their capacity.
According to research by Professor Dariotis and colleagues from the University of Illinois, this role reversal arises from the 'intentional or unintentional abdication of parental responsibilities.'
They identified contributing factors for parentifying, such as addiction, parental loss, mental illness, physical disability, violence in the home and other crises. A parent who had a difficult or traumatic childhood may also parentify. Financial hardship and having to work long hours have also been associated with it.
Consequences
Harmful consequences among adults who were parentified have been identified, including higher rates of depression, anxiety and lower educational attainment. If such adults perceive their childhood was robbed, the impact is more acute.
Studies have found that emotional parentification is more detrimental than other responsibilities handed over.
Adults who were parentified tend to take on roles that are positive, involving being in service of others, but may burn out by giving too much at the expense of their health. They can be hyper responsible, high achieving, perfectionistic and mute their own needs.
Issues arise with the setting of boundaries, and they tend to take on too much. They are usually overly independent at the expense of asking for help. A parentified child tends to become the caretaker, the rock and the fixer later in life. There is also a risk of staying in unhealthy relationships and being manipulated.
Experiencing life as a parentified young person is marked by feeling responsible for the parents' happiness and well-being. That is huge pressure on young shoulders. There is a desire to comfort and to please, while their own worries or struggles are not expressed.
Over time, they have difficulty experiencing their own feelings as they are caught up with the dependent parent. They often miss out on friendships, activities or educational studies. They have to grow up fast and may be seen to act wiser than their years.
A sense of insecurity may be present as they feel there is no one to turn to. Self-worth becomes associated with attending to others at the expense of identity and needs.
Overcoming parentification
- Work on developing and maintaining healthy boundaries. Know what isn't your issue and know your limits.
- Be aware of your needs, communicate them and know what is and is not appropriate for you.
- Try not to jump into always 'fix.'
- Let people be responsible for their own lives. You don't need to be everyone's parent.
- Keep doing the work on developing yourself.
- Reclaim that childhood by having fun, engaging in enjoyable activities and fostering positive friendships.
- Be aware when you are overfunctioning and try to reach out and ask for help.
For parents
There are circumstances in which this arises as a result of illness and other crises. Access as much support as possible for the young family members, and monitor closely. Policymakers need to consider this cohort and provide financial, psychological and practical supports.
- For other parents who may be unaware that this is happening, let your children be children. Healthy parenting involves supporting, guiding and leaving your own issues aside.
- Get your support from a family member, a friend or a therapist rather than your children. They need to know that they can turn to you and feel secure.
- Be aware of when you are communicating too much information to your children. Avoid oversharing or being too needy.
- Delegating chores and responsibilities is positive, but be mindful when the line gets crossed. Keep it age-appropriate and suitable for the individual.
- The parent-child relationship needs healthy boundaries and not to have roles reversed.
- Children and adolescents are not responsible for taking care of the grown-ups.
The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ
If you have been affected by issues raised in this story, please visit: www.rte.ie/helplines.
