Helen Vaughan, Psychotherapist at The Coast Counselling in Malahide, joined Philip Boucher Hayes on RTÉ Radio 1 to discuss toxic friendships. Listen back above.
"I think it's a friendship where maybe there isn't give and take on a somewhat equal level," Helen says of unhealthy friendships, "or if there's someone in your life who you don't feel good around, you don't feel like the best version of yourself."
"You know, they make you feel bad about yourself," she continues. "Maybe they criticise you, maybe they expect a lot from you. There are a lot of friendships where one person is very demanding or is used to you doing a lot for them."
If this sounds familiar, or if you feel like there's often a level of passive-aggression or control in a friendship, you may want to reassess that relationship.
Of course, none of us are perfect, so it can be tricky to determine whether a person is 'toxic' or simply going through a rough patch.
"I think if it's occasional, it's probably not going to cause you too much emotional harm or hardship," she explains, noting that if the friendship feels constantly imbalanced, it may be a warning sign.
The psychologist notes that it's also worth exploring our own behaviours in the dynamic, as many of us will be people pleasers who are eager to get validation from others.
"A lot of us are people pleasers, so we do what we think someone else wants us to do to try and get the validation of feeling good about ourselves when they say we're a good person.
"Often, we do a lot for someone else, thinking that we'll feel good about it when in fact you might be using up all your energy to serve everyone else's needs, and your own needs are at the bottom of the list."
If you find that you are always agreeing to another person's plans or jumping to be the 'good friend', you may find yourself projecting your feelings onto others.
"We often project things onto other people, and we try to do a lot to make ourselves feel good, but actually, most people will then burn out."
If you have concluded that a friendship isn't working out, it can be hard to know how to get out of it. Is it best to slip away quietly or have a face-to-face break-up?
According to Helen, it all depends on the person.
"If someone is narcissistic, you probably won't be able to sit down and have a conversation, and get them to hear the problems for you and get them to empathise and examine their own behaviour. A narcissist won't do that."
If you don't want to totally end the friendship or if circumstances make that particularly tricky (you have friends in common, they live next door, etc), Helen suggests setting some boundaries with that person so that you can start to get some space from them.
Ideally, a conversation would happen where both parties can recognise their behaviours and form new patterns in the relationship, but if that's not possible, you may want to try and focus on maintaining your own behaviours.
For example, rather than going out for a full night or agreeing to a weekend trip, suggest a quick coffee or a trip to the cinema.
If the person is constantly asking for favours, check in with yourself and see what you feel comfortable with, and learn to say no to what you don't.
"Knowing what your energy, resources, and capability are - and knowing where they end," Helen surmises.
To learn more and listen back to the interview in full, click on the audio at the top of the page.
