In her best-selling book, The Let Them Theory, author and motivational speaker Mel Robbins proposes a seemingly simple theory that will help you let go of the need to control others and focus on your reactions instead.
It is an easy-to-use mindset tool that went viral online, and the book has been translated into 50 languages, selling over five million copies.
In everyday life, many situations arise that induce frustration, upset or other big emotions. People have a tendency to overreact, and the digital world has intensified this. This theory provides space to let go of the trivial and preserve energy for a more contented way of being. It offers a way to gain inner peace and enjoy healthier relationships.
By saying 'let them,' it helps to set healthy boundaries with others. Robbins acknowledges that the essence of this theory is similar to Radical Acceptance, Stoicism, Mindfulness,The Serenity Prayer and the teachings of Buddhism. It is a shift in perspective.
In an Irish context, it is akin to 'feck them' or 'let them off', but in a more compassionate way!
For example, your friends don't invite you somewhere? Let them. Drivers on the road enrage you? Let them. People aren't like you? Let them. Fellow shoppers annoying you in a queue? Let them.
You catch yourself feeling let down, ruminating, reacting or raging, and you just say 'let them'. As a consequence, the practice can have a significant impact on stress levels. Robbins has said this theory has helped her marriage of 27 years as it allows the other person to be who they are and who they aren't.
You clearly express your needs, and rather than managing your partner, you step back and see if they try. Her popularity stems from her down-to-earth approach and real-life experiences, including her failings. Robbins dissolves complex theories into palatable and user-friendly strategies. On her podcast, she engages with professionals with expertise in medicine and psychology.
If our expectations of others are not met, we tend to feel disappointed, hurt or angry. People can harbour grudges for years, go on obsessively about that which can't be controlled, or try to change the unchangeable.
This theory is not about not caring or letting others walk all over you; this acceptance is not forgiveness. It is about being aware of where you use up your energy, what is and isn't your issue and accepting what you can't control.
People spend so much time and effort focusing on others rather than themselves. By 'letting them', you see people for who they really are. For example, if you're dating someone and get repeatedly let down, "let them" and focus on your response instead.
See it for what it is, not how you hope it to be. It may be that the other is simply not emotionally available or just not interested. This way, you can let go and move on rather than being stuck or mistreated.
Robbins emphasises that this theory is not about passivity or accepting harmful behaviour. It isn't about letting others behave inappropriately with you, but recognising it and choosing how to respond. This is especially apt if you have a tricky person in your personal or professional life who will never change.
When you stop expecting them to change or give you what you need, you will be freer and won't take the bait. Furthermore, your role is not to fix, appease or control another person.
According to the theory, your power is about what you say or do. This is the other essential part of the theory: "Let me". This fosters a sense of agency. Rather than allowing others to influence how you think, behave or feel, you take control and choose how to respond. You can set firmer boundaries, distance yourself or work on your emotional reactions.
You take ownership by asking yourself what healthier ways you can react to this situation? So if your stress levels are rising in a frustrating queue, for example, you can choose to leave or listen to music on your phone, make a call or meditate.
'Let me' helps you to cope with difficult people and care less about other people's opinions, or get caught up in comparisons. In a world of judgments in the digital and real world, this provides refuge. By focusing on the relationship they have with themselves, people grow, rather than being at the mercy of others. Robbins says this is the part of the theory where you stop blaming others and take personal responsibility.
According to Robbins, the let them theory also helps with decision making, as we often block ourselves for fear of how others will react. While people may be upset or disappointed with a move you make, you can still make the move. Let them. People will get over it.
We have to hold onto our self-worth. Pleasing everyone else is not your job. Being how others want you to be leads to distress. For parenting, she says we need to let young people struggle, fail and let them figure it out while guiding them. And to stop jumping in and micromanaging.
The 'let me' helps you to settle yourself and respond in healthy ways, rather than shouting, pressuring or guilting someone. Parents can role model working relations, relationships, healthy behaviours, and so much more.
While it may seem emotions won't be processed using this theory, it actually allows more space for them to arise and facilitates regulation.
It also reduces overthinking. In a market flooded with self-help books, and in a world where so much is broken, it is a timely teaching to help people feel more empowered and cope better.
As with therapy, it has to be fully learnt and implemented. While it may seem very individualistic, as Robbins says, "the single best project to take on is yourself." Improving your health and your psychological well-being will impact those around you. More complex relational issues benefit from professional help.
The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ
If you have been affected by issues raised in this story, please visit: www.rte.ie/helplines
