Looking back on himself as a baby, enduring trials and struggles that could take years to process, Dr Brian Pennie said he feels sadness, but also love for who he was then - something that has come with years of reflection and work.
At just five weeks old, after countless attempts by his mother at seeking help, doctors realised that something was seriously wrong with Brian. Having lost half of his birth weight and constantly vomiting and crying, he was eventually diagnosed with intestinal malrotation, where his internal organs were twisted.
The hardship was far from over, however, as he was operated on without anaesthetic, which was the practice at the time. Months of pain and complications followed, which Pennie now understands hardwired his brain to see the world as a frightening and painful place.
"For a long time, when I was talking about my infant self or my baby self, I'd refer to it as an organism", he said. "And what I found was actually de-humanising myself, like I wasn't treated like a human so I wasn't treating myself like a human.
"I had to do a lot of inner child work where I nearly cradled that infant child and said I have you now, everything will be okay, I've got you, everything will be alright."
He added: "When I think back on that little baby now, it's not like there's a disconnect but I feel sorry for the kid, there's a sadness that comes into me."
At the same time, he can understand how those early challenges have ultimately led him to become who he is today: a successful neuroscientist helping others and sharing his experiences with audiences across the world.
"I'm a big believer in resilience and that the challenges we face and the discomfort we feel can really make us who we are", he told RTÉ Lifestyle, after delivering a talk at the Pendulum Summit 2024 last week. "I think, you have it, you've got this, you'll do good."
As a neuroscientist and resilience expert, Pennie has intensively studied how trauma can affect a person's mind and body.
"Trauma is interesting because many things that we learn in our lives we learn it multiple times, multiple times and the brain changes over time but if you have a very traumatic experience it's called one trial learning where the neurochemistry in the brain can change in an instant", he said.
For some, this could be illness or injury, and for others it could be abandonment or a lack of stability in their upbringing. While these events seem like potentially one-time occurrences, "our perception of that can be really really traumatic", he said.
This is one reason why some of us can feel deeply hurt and rejected if we're not seen or heard, he noted. It also leads to biological markers, such as depression, anxiety and inflammation.
Hearing Pennie speak, it's hard not to be struck by his enormous empathy for himself and what he went through as a child. He explained that this can be cultivated in each of us.
"I think what's really really important is to bring some level of awareness to how you speak to yourself", he said. "I've done a lot of work with people over time and I'll say what's the voice in your head, what's it sound like. I remember one woman I was doing work with and she said, oh my god, it's my father, it's a male voice. Bitter, hateful."
He suggested being aware of "what does it sounds like to you, how do you relate to that person and try to change your relationship to that".
"Speak to yourself with compassion, speak to yourself with empathy, speak to yourself like you would speak to a dear friend or a loved one.
"I find, specifically as well, people that are very sensitive and very compassionate to everyone else can be quite hard on themselves."
Watch our full chat with Brian above.
If you have been affected by issues raised in this story, please visit: www.rte.ie/helplines.
