Clinical Psychologist Dr Julie Smith recently shared some of her "life changing insights from therapy" at the 2024 Pendulum Summit, which took place in Dublin's Convention Centre from Jan 10-11.
As well as discussing her role as an online educator (she has 4.7 million followers on TikTok alone), Dr. Julie spoke about her recently released book, Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?
Drawing on years of experience as a clinical psychologist, both the book and her online videos deliver tips from the author's therapy toolkit, sharing expert advice on mental health and its many challenges.
Speaking with RTÉ Lifestyle following her talk, the psychologist explained that she wrote the book as a way to share some of the "educational aspects of therapy".
"A lot of people think that when you go to therapy, you just talk," she says. "You do a lot of talking, but you also learn a great deal about how your mind works, the different things you can do that impact on your emotional state, and physical state - that kind of thing.
"I found that once people had that educational aspect to therapy, they were raring to go and empowered to look after their own mental health."
"I didn't see why people had to pay to come and see people like me to find out how their own mind works," she adds. "I wanted to make that more accessible."
One topic of interest discussed on the day was the psychology of people pleasing - the habit of constantly putting the needs of others ahead of your own. The issue, Dr. Julie says, is that many confuse people pleasing for being 'good'.
"We know how to say the word 'no', but we're worried about how we feel when we say 'no'," she explains. "Often there's this flood of guilty feelings or this sort of belief system that other people's feelings matter more than your own.
Rather than simply being mindful of others, the therapist explains that people pleasing is distinctive as the behaviours come at the expense of the giver's wellbeing, preventing the person from putting themselves first.
"If your main priority is making sure that everybody else is happy all of the time, that's an impossible task to sustain," she notes. "You're going to be triggered at certain points where you're going to feel all of the guilt and the shame when other people aren't OK."
Although it is undoubtedly important to be thoughtful and kind to others, Dr. Julie's rule of thumb is to ensure that your own health and needs are prioritised in equal measure.
A good way to feel more comfortable prioritising your own needs is to build your sense of self-esteem. According to Dr. Julie, the best way to do this is through compassion.
"More than a positive view of yourself, it's important to always be compassionate to yourself," she explains "When you're not being the person you most want to be, you can at least be kind to yourself and be the voice that you need to hear to improve. Whereas, if you kick yourself when you're down, you have little chance of getting up."
"It's much more about compassion, so that even when you're not very pleased with yourself, you're able to be honest to yourself in a kind way because no one can learn through shame."
To hear more from Dr. Julie and hear her tips for talking to someone who may be struggling with their mental health, watch the video above.
If you have been affected by issues raised in this story, please visit: www.rte.ie/helplines.
