Counselling psychologist Niamh Delmar on coping with the pain and grief of heartbreak.
Countless songs, poems and movies have been inspired by the experience of being heartbroken. Throughout history and across cultures, the heart has symbolised love, compassion and pain.
A break-up of a relationship evokes emotional layers, such as rejection and grief. We know from research that is more difficult for the partner on the receiving end. Being rejected for another is an even more painful process. It is not only about the loss of a loved one, but all the people and dreams that were associated with the couple. A future with that person no longer exists.
The more time and investment put into the relationship, the deeper the pain. Having children and property complicates it even further. However, splitting up, even after a short relationship, can catapult a person into emotional shock and trigger all past losses and traumas.
Attachment history to parents also influences relationships and endings. Aggravating factors that sharpen heartache include being cheated on or if seems to have come out of the blue.
People describe their confidence shattered and feeling flawed. Some will sink into a depressive episode and may feel suicidal*. The person leaving the relationship often experiences relief, guilt, anxiety and sadness. They may not have the emotional maturity to handle it well.
The impact of heartbreak is similar to a bereavement, affecting the person physiologically and psychologically. I have had people attending with me for support following a break-up describing feeling paralysed, having been bed-ridden, a loss of appetite, sleep disruption, nausea, constant crying, a depressed mood, panic attacks and obsessing about the partner.
Rumination about why the relationship ended is common. They may become engulfed in anger and self-blame. Unhealthy behaviours such as checking their exes' social media, pleading, late night calls and negative slurs are a reaction to wanting to reconnect and not accepting that it is over.
Mind-racing, rewinding and over analysing is emotionally exhausting. While the person may realise that aspects of the relationship were not healthy, emotions dominate logic. Thinking processes become distorted by the painful experience. It is only natural to feel such emotional pain during this distressing period of adjustment and upheaval, but it is also important to know this eases week by week.
Life and support can carry you along. However if there is no improvement, and the person remains stuck and struggling to cope, professional intervention is necessary. Self- medicating with substances to cope can onset unhealthy habits or addiction.
While falling in love releases the feel good hormones of dopamine and oxytocin, these drop sharply during a break-up and the stress hormone cortisol kicks in. Neuroscience explains how the love worns’ brains are activated in the same ways as when individuals addicted to drugs attempt to withdraw.
Research has found that heartbreak is similar to someone addicted to, and trying to quit, nicotine or cocaine. It is a process of craving and weaning off. The compulsion to be with the person is strong. Also, being rejected and physical pain are both associated with the same regions of the brain. This explains why it hurts so much.
Healing a broken heart:
Give yourself time and space to adjust. Pace it. Focus on your needs and develop this new identity.
As with grief, there needs to be a balance of processing and containment in order to function. Daily routines and setting a schedule can help hold the heartache and give some sense of control.
It is a hard one to face, but you can’t force or persuade someone to stay with you. A relationship has to be based on mutuality and respect.
Try not to spy on your ex on social media or make contact inappropriately or excessively. Be aware if you are becoming obsessed or vindictive. Hold it, get support but don’t act on it.
Do a relationship reality check. There can be a tendency to idealise the former partner. Was it really all that wonderful? Would it have worked long-term? Write down all the, healthy and unhealthy aspects of the relationship. Carry the positives forward with you and learn from the rest.
Thoughts will be distorted by the pain. Try not to believe those that are unhelpful and extreme.
Opening up is helpful but put time limits on how much you discuss the relationship with those close to you. Rehashing details over and over again is not helpful and may alienate you.
Be compassionate with yourself. You are mourning the loss of what could have been and letting go of relationship rituals.
Make new memories. Go to different places, invite people over for dinner, join and volunteer.
Seeking 'closure’ may be a block to moving forward. There may be no real reasons and a big conversation may not yield much. Try not to torment yourself with unanswerable questions. Write a letter to your ex expressing all and then burn it.
Bitterness, resentment and hatred keeps you stuck. Let new opportunities flow into your life.
If your self-esteem feels damaged, build it up daily. Review what went well and what you liked about yourself.
Turn to healthy habits and be mindful of not turning to alcohol and drinks. This is a vulnerable time and dependency could ensue.
If you feel stuck, psychologically overwhelmed or your daily functioning is impacted, seek professional help.
How to help
If someone you know is going through a break-up, be patient, listen, distract them but go at their pace.
Engage in soothing activities with them and keep in regular contact.
Don’t minimise it, no matter how young they are or how short or long distant the relationship was. Help with practicalities.
*If you have been affected by issues raised in this story, please visit: www.rte.ie/helplines.
