Counseling psychologist Niamh Delmar lists some alternative ways to make positive changes in the new year.
It is that time when many people start to set goals for the year ahead. The start of the year facilitates opportunities for transformation and improvement. However, research shows that over 70% of New Year's resolutions are dropped after one month.
This triggers guilt, disappointment, and a return to unhealthy ways of being. The majority of changes pursued involve health, weight, finances, and relationships. Often these goals are set too high and are unrealistic.
Implementing a resolution is often too much of a shock to the system after overindulging and being static over the Christmas period, to suddenly restricting and moving. After a few weeks, it feels too punitive, and you rebel. You feel deprived and it becomes a mental struggle to keep it up.
The people you live with, and who are in your circle, also play a part. The workplace may not be conducive to changes you are trying to make, or a family member may still stock up on the temptations that you are trying to resist. Reasons for positive change need to involve internal, not just external motivation. If it is being done for something or someone else, there’s a higher chance it will be abandoned.
Goals that go astray are often vague and not specific enough. Another reason why resolutions get dumped is that we often don’t fully explore our motivations for the changes we want to initiate.
Alternative ways to make positive changes
It all starts with you. Self-awareness is the starting point to becoming a better version of yourself. Embrace your key qualities and attributes, and be aware of aspects that hold you back from being your best self. Shrink your inner critic and keep your thought processes healthy and helpful.
Reflect on the year gone by and review what went well and what was challenging. Ask yourself what helped and what hindered you. What do you need to let go of? Focus on the external (stressors) and internal (your responses) contributing factors. Throughout the year, pause to assess what will help with stressful events and what will improve your reactions to them.
Think small and go for bite-sized, easy, and simple changes. The smaller the steps, the more likely you will take them. If it is eating healthier, you could commit to eliminating one food item per week. We tend to dislike being told what to do or being bossed about, even by ourselves. Rather than " consume no sugar" orders, switch it to "aim to eat more fruit and vegetables." See it all as a process to unfold throughout the year, and review progress weekly. Notice what helps or blocks change.
Explore and record or write out in detail your reasons to start, eliminate or quit something. For example, why do you want to be fitter, wealthier, more successful, or look a certain way. What will it mean for you? Take stock of what you are overly attached to and why.
Are your goals clashing with self-acceptance? While we can always strive to be a better version of ourselves, we also need to accept our fundamental core selves. Seeking the body of your younger self or of somebody else, wanting to be outgoing when you are shy, or experiencing no stress or anxiety when this is your disposition, creates psychological tension.
Embrace your true self while augmenting it daily.
So many people bring to therapy their distress in relation to 'others.’ It is freeing to not waste time being overly concerned about what others might think about you and to be aware when you are being hyper-sensitive.
Keeping healthy boundaries, knowing what is and isn’t your issue, and stepping back when appropriate can be a useful commitment for the year ahead. On the other hand, if you feel you are too ‘self-focused’, expanding out of your own zone will enrich your life.
In his book ‘Redirect’, Social Psychologist Timothy Wilson refers to the technique of story-editing, which works well for a longer-lasting change. Firstly, you write the story that goes against the changes you want to make then re-write the story creating a new self-story and a new way of being. What will it look like, how will it feel and what will it mean?
For 2023, try setting intentions rather than making resolutions.
Resolutions are goal-oriented, whereas intentions are energy-based, qualitative and progress-oriented.
Intentions can be set daily such as: "Today I intend to go slower" or "respond calmly" or "be more present" or "take time to myself."
It could include resting, less overthinking, helping others, or appreciation of who and what you have. You can use the repetition of relevant keywords as prompters for the day, month, or year ahead.
The focus is more on deeper processes rather than behavioural changes. Other broader intentions could involve bringing play to your world, emotionally regulating more, living from your better, wiser and higher self, or bringing more awareness to your daily life.
Writing it out and reviewing it weekly boosts consolidation. In the busyness of life, carving out time each week for deep reflection can help you see the wood from the trees. In this framework, there is no success or failure, only learning. Each day brings a new opportunity to start again.
The New Year also offers an invitation to access professional help for better mental health, recovery from addiction or turn one’s life around.
Reflect on the year gone by, look beneath any resolutions set and experiment with intentions. Ask yourself what will have mattered most to you when in your final years.
Wishing you inner contentment in 2023.
