Counseling psychologist Niamh Delmar looks at the emotion of anger and how we can process it in a healthy way.
Anger is linked to the fight, flight, or freeze response. When a person experiences the intense emotion of anger, there is a surge of adrenaline and the system is ready for a fight. Stress hormones are released and, if ongoing, there are negative and serious consequences physiologically and mentally.
Anger arises when a situation is perceived as a trigger or threat. What one person gets angered by, another may not. There are numerous influencing factors including personality, low tolerance levels, trauma, underlying conditions, stressful events and exhaustion.
Alcohol abuse disorder, drug abuse, and certain mental illnesses can also be contributing factors. Hangovers are associated with tiredness and irritability leading to 'hanger' as your nerves are frayed.
Anger reactions may have been learned in childhood by watching significant adults react. While we may assign blame to something or someone else pushing our buttons, they are our buttons and we need to own them. Anger ranges on a spectrum in intensity from annoyance to rage.
Pathological anger can damage relationships and careers. It can ruin Christmas. While it is okay to feel angry and it is useful when appropriate, it is unhealthy to communicate or behave in that state.
Tips for defusing anger
Self-awareness is the beginning of change. Be honest with yourself and get feedback from close family and friends. Ask yourself if you overreact to things that don’t seem to bother others. Be mindful of the language you use, your tone of voice, and your body language.
Aggression breeds aggression, so punching a pillow or exercising vigorously does not calm the system down. Releasing anger in a less harmful way, known as catharsis, is outdated and unfounded. While many people feel that engaging in aggressive activities is an ante dote to rage, it is ineffective, and rather than release frustration, it actually increases it
Log triggers, reactions and behaviours. Identify distortions and misinterpretations. Review how you could have responded instead.
Shift angry thoughts to more neutral ones. Thoughts get distorted and our interpretations are not always accurate. The person may not be out to get you or may not have done it deliberately. Explore three alternative perspectives for every ‘hot’ situation. Practice reframing.
If having an angry outburst, imagine yourself being on live TV and ask would most viewers say? In the midst of the red mist, it can feel automatic. Emotional regulation helps you to hold big feelings and not act on them. So rather than giving an instant angry response to an email or text, you learn to pause and respond when the big feeling subsides.
Expressing emotions in a healthy and adult way can be developed. If your anger is out of control, seek anger management interventions with a mental health professional. Don’t feel embarrassed as we are non-judgmental and used to all sorts of presentations in therapy.
If traumatic experiences are in your life story, trauma-informed therapy will be of significant benefit. Assessment for an associated mental health diagnosis may be warranted. Medical assessments can check conditions such as hormonal imbalances, neurological issues or other diseases.
Stop to think what it is like for those witnessing or at the receiving end of your anger. Children or others may become afraid of you and it can damage connections. Most people report feel ashamed after losing their temper, and it lowers self-esteem.
A recommended intervention can be practised when your blood is boiling: retreat, rethink and respond. Retreating involves physically leaving the situation or mentally stepping back and not getting sucked in. At this point, you choose not to overreact then rethink the event and respond in a healthier.
Practice the well-used 7/11 technique. This helps to calm you and activates the parasympathetic nervous system which puts the brakes on. Focus on your in-breath and out-breath. Breathe in for seven seconds then out for 11 seconds and keep repeating over and over. Prepare and activate some mental scripts or mantras to quell the surge of anger.
Loosen up: Be aware if your fists or jaw are clenched and let them relax. Loosen your neck, shoulders and arms or any other hot spots in the body.
Come to your senses: Engage in your five senses to ground you. Feeling out of control can be frightening. Bring your awareness to what you see around you, what you are touching or tasting, and close your eyes to capture the smells and sounds in your environment.
Lighten up: Laugh away your anger. Try to find humour in the situation or see how irrelevant it is in the bigger scheme of things. A good laugh stimulates organs, cools off your stress response and relaxes muscles.
Change is possible. You don’t have to stay angry. It will benefit your physical health, enhance your psychological well-being, improve and repair relationships and boost your self-esteem. Enjoy a calm Christmas.
Resources:
- Headspace or Calm apps
- Anger Management-How to Take Control of your Emotions and Find Joy In Life by Judy Dyer (2020)
- The Psychological Society of Ireland. www.psychologicalsociety.ie
- Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy www.iacp.ie
