From harmonicas to having a cup of tea in peace, here's what I learned as a parent over the past week.

1. Really. Wow, that's mad' - things I say when I'm not listening to my kids (or wife!).

2. 'Me: "You’re not the boss of me".  

Narrator: *but dad realised that his 3-year-old was the boss of him*

3.  "No, I squeezed 3 tiny versions of you out of my privates, so getting rid of the spider is your job". A real-life direct quote from my wife to me.

4. When I was a kid, 'The NeverEnding Story' was a cool movie. These days it’s the laundry basket

5. Nothing ever good comes of a conversation that begins with: "Dad are you in a good mood?"

6. My kids learned a valuable lesson that ‘4am daddy’ and ‘7am daddy’ are two very different people. Hopefully they’ll choose wisely in future.

7. Some days you’re woken by the morning sun, other days you’re woken by the chirping of birds. Today I was woken by two knees lodged in my privates.

8. I’m convinced that my 3-year-old is trying to disprove the scripture that ‘man cannot live on bread alone’. #ChallengeAccepted

9. Buying a harmonica for my 6-year-old was a terrible idea.

10. Yesterday I pressed the pedestrian crossing button right before my kids just to remind them who’s in charge. That’s how petty I am.

11. I got the boys up at 2am this morning just so they had time to buckle their own car seats.

12. Back-to-school is all fun and games until the first 'Nits' letter comes home. #ThatsOneForYourMummy

13. Yesterday, as I hid from the kids while having a cup of tea, I realised that ‘I’ll drink you under the table’ had new meaning for me.

14. ‘No, I’ll do it myself’ is the reason I’ll never be on time for anything ever again.

15. Hmm, sit naked on a bunch of nettles or listen to my kids talk about an unboxing video. Let me see...

16.  Once your kids are old enough to pour their own cereal the second part of your life begins.

.17. You can lead a horse to water but you still can’t make my 3-year-old wipe his own butt.

18. Every now and again - on the rare occasions that its quiet - I sometimes forget that I actually have kids. That is until I found a half eaten sausage under my pillow.

19.  Music can elevate your mood but it’s also great at blocking out whiny kids.

20. DD Tip: Take your kid’s extra ‘artwork’ to work and throw it away there. That way you’ll never get caught throwing it away at home. #ValuableLesson

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