Now that Conor McGregor is a father following the arrival of his baby son with Dee Devlin, Digital Dad has a few tips for the new Dad.
1. Teach your kid from an early age just how comfortable the couch is so that they aren’t constantly asking you to do stuff.
2. That said, no good ever comes from a toddler sitting sans nappy on a couch.
3. Never ask "What’s for Dinner?". Ever.
4. Don’t go on about how hard your day was even if it consisted of a broken jaw or a health-check rectal exam.
5. Always go big on Mother’s Day...I learned the hard way (the fact that she's not actually your mother doesn't seem to matter).
6. If something looks like poo and smells like poo, it's poo.
7. Pro Tip: Continually emphasising the need to keep your kid on a strict schedule makes it easier to say no to
crappy things you’ve been invited to.
8. Pro Tip: Have your partner leave you a voicemail of the baby screaming. Save it and play it to people when you need to get out of something.
9. When changing the nappy, point it down. Otherwise, you risk an unannounced shower. I’ve learned this the wet way more than a couple of times.
10. Be prepared. S*** can quickly hit the fan. Backup nappies, clothes, wipes and scented nappy bags are all essential...particularly the latter unless you have a gas mask handy.
11. To reiterate: You can never have too many wet wipes but you can certainly have too few. Have them on tap and have them ready. The last thing you want is to run out and have to use your sock.
12. The smell of a bad nappy can linger in your house longer than your In-laws. Open the doors and windows and
they'll it'll be gone soon enough.
13. Don't do what my Dad did.
14. Playing with my kids is great but nap time is better. Take advantage of it.
15. When remarking that 'they've gone down well tonight' it's always best to check that the monitor is on first.
16. Potty training and bubble baths should never be mixed - all will look lovely on the surface but what lies beneath can be the stuff of nightmares.
17. Schedule a date night at least once a month.
18. When your kid starts crying, start bawling bigger and louder. They will soon stop and look at you with deep concern.
19. Likewise, when tantrums kick in and your kid starts acting up, use a playpen. When they're finished, just climb out.
20. In the unlikely event that you start showing signs of a dad-bod, try some of my home exercise techniques to whip you back into shape.
21. The contents inside a baby’s neck folds can be far worse than anything found on a butcher's floor. It’s best to continually keep it clean.
22. If you lose your car keys, again your kid's neck folds are a legitimate place to start your search.
23. If your buggy doesn’t have a cup holder, get one. Believe me, It’s easier to play Jenga on a bus than it is to steer a buggy with one hand.
24. As mentioned last week, spending time with your kid is not called babysitting. Terms like 'Dad Duty', 'On Call' or 'Doing Time' are safer alternatives.
25. Just so you know, technically glue is edible. #Warning
26. Get used to the plunger, you'll be using it a lot when your kid(s) get older.
27. Avoid permanent markers.
28. Assuming they're fit and able to pitch in, accept every bit of help on offer from granny and granddad, Their philosophical advice will be brilliant. Their medical advice not so much!
29. There'll be more chance of you winning the lotto than seeing the bottom of your laundry basket. Invest in a good a dryer.
30. Don't beat yourself up about tidying the house. It's impossible. You'll move things around and hide stuff in different rooms but the house will always resemble a construction site.
31. It's perfectly acceptable to walk away from people who don't have kids and say they're exhausted. #MyDayStartsAtFiveThirty.
32. Regardless of what people say to you, it's impossible to 'enjoy every minute of parenthood'. Strive for survival at best.
33. Remember that you will always be your child's favourite toy.
34. Last but not least, always expect the unexpected....It's easier said than done.
A dad of three, husband of one - if you like what you read you can find more here
Catch me on: Facebook | @DigitalDadDiary | e. firstname.lastname@example.org