When is an apology really an apology?

Analysis: We are not taught that we should apologise nor are we taught how to apologise

By Deirdre Curran, NUI Galway and Alec Coakley, Mediators' Institute of Ireland

In recent weeks, we have seen a British prime minister apologise for breaches of Covid regulations. We also heard one of his predecessors reflect on the apology he offered in 2010 for Bloody Sunday.

Two individuals. Two apologies. Yet how to they compare, and what criteria might we use to compare them?

An apology is a critical incident of human communication. It has the power to mend relationships, to heal, to restore and also the power to add insult to injury and lead to further destruction. Each one of us face times in our lives when we ought to apologise. It presents an individual, organisational and global challenge.

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From RTÉ Archives, Tommie Gorman reports for RTÉ News on reaction in Derry to David Cameron's Bloody Sunday apology in June 2010

We are not taught that we should apologise - in fact, it's sometimes quite the opposite. Nor are we taught how to apologise. The practice of apology is absent from formal and informal, tacit or 'hidden' curricula. Indeed, the act of apologising can be seen as a sign of weakness, in many ways "antithetical to the ever-pervasive values of winning, success and perfection". Furthermore, the phrase ‘I’m sorry’ has been co-opted into common parlance to cover everything from bumping into someone in a supermarket isle, to prefacing an objection to something just uttered by the other.

In our recent research, we have looked at the role of apology in the resolution of conflict, specifically through the process of mediation. We began by exploring the literature on the nature of apology, and quickly came to realise that for an apology must involve a series of components to be considered genuine. The exact number differs between authors, but the themes are consistent.

According to Mandeep Dhami, a 'full' apology contains five components: (i) admitting responsibility for the behaviour and outcomesl (ii) acknowledging the harm done and that it was wrong; (iii) expressing regret or remorse for the harm donel (iv) offering to repair the harm or make amends and (v) promising not to repeat the behaviour in the future.

From RTÉ Drivetime, reaction to Taoiseach Micheál Martin's January 2021 apology to mother and baby home survivors

Here, apology effectiveness is determined by the motive of the apologist. The most common motives are those that seek to save or mend a relationship, to attempt to reduce or eradicate the suffering of the other, or more cynically to relieve personal guilt and escape/reduce punishment.

Assuming the motive is genuine, and the sequential components are followed, one then needs to consider the context. A key message from our research is that a genuine apology, if accepted, has the power to restore relationships, be they individual, organisational, or global. We found a number of ‘moderating factors’ which impact the effectiveness of apology including:

- Timing. The apology can be offered too soon or too late (eg Cameron’s apology for Bloody Sunday occurred 33 years after the event).

- Was the transgression intentional or unintentional?

- The nature of the prior relationship

- The extent to which trust between the parties has been damaged

- The predisposition of the parties (gender, culture, personality, socialisation, religion etc.)

From RTÉ Radio 1's Drivetime, The Irish Independent's Fionnan Sheehan on Tániste Leo Varadkar's apology to the Dáil in November 2020 for his actions in relation to the GP contract.

Our paper also argues that mediation is the dispute resolution process that provides the most fertile ground for apology. Mediation is a conflict resolution process in which involving a mutually acceptable third party, who has no authority to make binding decisions for disputants. The mediator intervenes in a conflict or dispute to assist involved parties to improve their relationships, enhance communications, and use effective problem solving and negotiation procedures to reach voluntary and mutually acceptable understandings or agreements on contested issues.

Using data gleaned from an online survey of 97 practicing mediators along with in-depth interviews with 24 organisational mediators, we identified the following specific features of mediation that make it particularly suited to apology:

Informal: the location is congenial, and the process tends to be as relaxed as possible.

Private: only the disputants and mediator get to hear what is said during the process.

Voluntary: from start to finish, there is no pressure on either party to commit to any action, including apology, if they do not wish to, whether the other party requests such an action or not.

The acceptance of apology is in the gift of the receiver, and a genuine apology is thus given selflessly regardless of acceptance

Confidential: an apology would only be made public with the prior consent of both parties.

Voice: the claimant has the platform to voice their grievance in front of the alleged perpetrator.

What comes next: the past is acknowledged in mediation, but the focus is on the future. An apology can be part of a wider constructive strategy.

Autonomy: the parties retain autonomy over outcomes and ‘nothing is agreed until everything is agreed.’

The mediator role: an expert facilitator can create the conditions necessary for an apology that may not have been possible in other dispute resolution arenas.

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From TEDxSydney, solicitor Jahan Kalantar on the perfect apology in three steps

Notwithstanding the nuances of apology that emerged from this research, the key findings were as follows:

(i) Practicing mediators confirm that apology is a prominent feature of mediation, and that the process represents fertile soil for apology.

(ii) Skilled mediators can act as a conduit of apology between parties where an apology is forthcoming but hesitant

(iii) A high-quality apology, issued spontaneously, can have a transformative effect on the dispute, particularly where the relationship is on-going.

Ultimately, the acceptance of apology is in the gift of the receiver, and a genuine apology is thus given selflessly regardless of acceptance. "In apologising, the offending party exposes their vulnerability by handing over the power of acceptance to the victim and replacing it with shame for the offence caused."

The research article can be read in full on Maynooth University's Journal of Mediation and Applied Conflict Analysis

Dr Deirdre Curran is a lecturer in Management at the J.E. Cairnes School of Business & Economics at NUI Galway. Alec Coakley is a workplace mediator, certified with the Mediators' Institute of Ireland.

The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ

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