Arm yourself with the remote control. Donal O’Donoghue imagines how the TV day might pan out for all those mums out there
Today is your day. Officially it's Mother’s TV Day. This means that you control the remote. So no flipping by anyone else. And especially no flipping sports (unless you’re partial to that sort of thing). The deal is that you’ve got the conch and you make the rules. So he’s not allowed to sneak off into a parallel TV universe (ie the kitchen with its 14 inch screen) or ‘pop’ down the pub to see his mates (ie John Terry and Frank Lampard). He’s got to be there to mind the kids and enjoy what you enjoy or else.
So to help you on your way here is our diary for your TV day.
2.20pm, RTÉ One: Miss Marple: The Mirror Crack’d From Side to Side
After an extra-late lie in (breakfast in bed etc) it’s time to pad down to the living-room for a freshly brewed cuppa and Miss Marple. Ah yes, the indomitable sleuth (as played by Julia McKenzie) is up to her tweedy elbows in ‘The Mirror Crack’d From Side to Side’. As you watch, keeping a firm grip on the remote, ignore your man’s entreaties that he wants to improve his Irish with an hour or so of TG4 (‘GAA Beo’ is on and the clue, as Miss M might put it, is in the title). At this point you could play a little TV parlour game. Challenge him to unravel the identity of the murderer. If you notice a murderous glint in his eye, don’t worry: he’s just getting into character.
4.25pm, Channel 4, Deal or No Deal
After allowing him ten minutes of ‘GAA Beo’ (you’re feeling a bit generous and anyway some of those GAA legs aren’t half bad) you bring Noel Edmonds into your home. Noel, with his avuncular beard, is a gas man. So much nicer than that nasty banker. But some of the contestants are klutzes. You could win the £250,000 if only you were there. You realise you’re not actually thinking this but saying it aloud. Who cares? It’s Mother’s Day
5.35pm, TV3, Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em
Some mother do ‘ave ‘em? Too right. Punctuate your watching – and hyena-like laughing - with a few scornful looks in his direction. He should get the message.
6.15pm Oprah Meets
For the day that’s in it, the big O meets the mother of the late Michael Jackson, Katherine. For the first time the mother of all the Jacksons talks about the death of her son. Kleenex at the ready.
7.30pm, RTÉ One, The Restaurant
You’ve had your dinner – prepared, cooked and served by himself – and it’s time to settle down to The Restaurant. The new series features that cuddly Ian Dempsey in the chef’s whites. This should be good especially as the previews suggest that he makes a right horses’ ass of his menu.
8.00pm, UTV, Lewis
After watching Mr D sweat a slow death in the kitchen, it’s time for more murder with a brand new ‘Lewis’. Oxford’s finest might not be as handsome – or as clever or as sophisticated – as his former boss, Morse, but inspector Lewis does have a nice smile. And he’s very polite. You, of course, are on your fifteenth cuppa of the day. Life is tough. Lewis gets his suspect. Fair play to him.
10.00pm, 3e, Sex and the City
This is when it gets tricky. ‘Match of the Day 2’ kicks off now as does the glossy revenge drama, ‘Disclosure’. He’ll say it’s a clever fable about modern life but don’t be fooled. He just wants to see a scantily clad Demi Moore giving poor old Michael Douglas a hard time. No this is when you really push the boat out and settle back for that ultimate guilty pleasure – four consecutive episodes of ‘Sex and the City’. By the time that’s over he’ll be like putty in your hands. Or asleep. But give him a gentle nudge because it’s time for the grand finale.
12.15am, Channel 4, Lost in Translation
Now technically Mother’s Day ended fifteen minutes ago but if he starts with that palaver tell him that you have could zapped ‘The Football League Show’ last night and replaced it with Dolly Parton and co kicking their boss’s butt in ‘Nine to Five’. Now that would be some way to start Mother’s Day.
