It’s frequently one of the most difficult decisions any family faces. As parents grow older, become physically less mobile, and need more and more help with daily living, how should that daily living be managed?
Routinely, families are faced with a variety of choices: live at home with professional care; live at home, supported directly by family members; or go to live in a nursing home.
And just as routinely, differences of opinion over which of those choices is best for an elderly family member can cause deep divisions between family members.
On today’s Liveline, an emotional but very lucid and articulate Sadie, 86 years of age, outlined her own story of living in a way which contrasts with her family’s wishes.
“It’s a nice nursing home, very comfortable. And they are all nice. But it is not home. And I want to go home. And they don’t want me. They said they cannot let me go unless my daughter, who brought me here, signs me out. And she doesn’t want to. And she has told all of the family not to take me either, because they are afraid I can’t look after myself.”
Before Sadie was admitted to the nursing home, she had assistance from two home helps in her own house. Having developed arthritis and acute pains in her hip, she was happy enough to be brought to a nursing home for, as she understood it, a temporary period of time. More recently, it has dawned on her that her family don’t see it that way, seeing instead the nursing home as a permanent solution.
“I am very lonely. I have my own home, at home. My own back garden, front garden. I have a very comfortable house. I am not happy here at all. I miss all my friends, my bridge, my choir. I miss everything. And I am missing it so badly now that I just can’t stay.”
Sadie has just one friend in the nursing home, someone with a degree of mobility similar to herself. Most of the residents use wheelchairs or walking frames, or need direct assistance to walk. From her point of view, she feels more capable and independent then her family appreciate.
Although desperate to get out of the nursing home, Sadie recognises that it is actually a high-quality place to live. The care is very good, the food is very good, and it’s a place with decent grounds. But, quite simply, it is not her own home.
It also costs a lot of money, and the issue of who was paying for the nursing home was brought up by presenter, Joe Duffy.
“I found out only the other day from my bank, because all of my bank statements went home, not to the nursing home…. In desperation, I rang them during the week and they told me that I was actually paying for it. That’s okay, I don’t mind that. But I don’t want to pay for it any longer. I can’t afford it, to be honest.”
So Joe put a proposal to Sadie. “If you are paying for it, and you don’t want to be in the nursing home, then stop paying for it! Is that not the logic?”
Well, it seems, that is Sadie’s intention. This money is coming directly from private funds, in her own bank account, not from her pension or from the government's Fair Deal scheme, so on the face of it, it would appear she is perfectly entitled to call a halt to those payments.
Later in the programme, a truly emotional Sadie spoke about how she had tried already to leave the nursing home. “My case was packed a week ago, more than a week ago, about three weeks ago”, she said. “I thought I had nothing to do but sign myself out.”
At this point, she is unclear as to whether she can reactivate the two home helps she had, when she lived her own house. But her distress was clear.
“I am very hurt that they would do this to me, I am upset. I just wonder why… I can’t go on much longer, to be honest. It’s coming to the winter, and I can’t stand it.”
At 86 years of age, Sadie has arthritis and is the first to admit that life can be difficult for her. But she feels very strongly that it should be her decision, and her decision alone, where she should live.