Sex and relationship expert Dr Caroline West writes about the other shades of red and green we should be mindful of this year: red and green flags in our relationships.
At this time of year, there is a deluge of Christmas-themed romcoms that move from first kiss to marriage within the blink of an eye. The logic of these twinkly feel-good films makes it seem normal to prioritise romance over common sense, like proposing to a person you met a few days ago right before they board their flight home for the holidays.
Instead of taking relationship advice from Hollywood, we will be far more successful if we spend some time understanding what kind of relationships we would like to be in in the New Year, and how to distinguish between healthy, toxic, and abusive behaviour.
A handy way to understand what this looks like in real life is to think of red flags for harmful behaviour and green flags for positive behaviour.
These come in three main categories: sexual behaviour, general behaviour, and our gut feeling when around them/thinking of them.
Consent is the most obvious green flag when it comes to sexual behaviour. Consent is not just a one-and-done chat; it's a process that involves checking in with each other throughout an intimate moment, as well as afterwards.
An essential green flag to look out for is how willing the other person is to check that you are comfortable. It's a simple action that anyone can do, yet it speaks volumes about someone if they choose not to check in or actively make sure that their partner is comfortable.
This is also when paying attention to how our body feels when we spend time with that person or think of them. Do you feel excited and look forward to your time together, or do you feel a little…off? A little niggling feeling of something not feeling quite right, even if you don't understand why.
That's our senses and gut instinct picking up on something, and it's a good opportunity to pause and reflect on that feeling whenever we notice it.
The other biggest green flag in relation to sexual behaviour is getting regular sexual health checks if you are sexually active. This green flag shows that you care about yourself and your partner's health. All STIs (sexually transmitted infections) are now treatable or manageable, and early detection can help minimise any side effects or passing it to more people. It also shows emotional maturity, good communication skills, healthy self-esteem, and empathy, which are always attractive traits.
When it comes to a person's general behaviour, there are lots of little everyday behaviours that tell you how they treat other people.
Red flags can look like being rude to waiters or deeming people to be 'less' than them, or not being capable of feeling or expressing empathy towards others. These behaviours can mask feelings of entitlement, superiority, and a lack of connection to other humans.
Those behaviours can sometimes lead to controlling or abusive behaviour, so learning the subtle warning signs can help you protect yourself.
The green flags of positive general behaviour include treating others well, being supportive of friends, being able to listen and making others feel safe and respected. Another is when there is clarity about the status of the relationship, and it feels mutually comfortable to bring up any issues that crop up.
Green flags aren't just a checklist for identifying healthy behaviour in other people - they can be handy to reflect on our own behaviour, too.
Relationships aren't a one-way street of what we want from another person. We have to think about what we bring to the table, how we like to communicate, and what our boundaries are.
Not only is this an essential part of a mutually respectful relationship, but self-reflection will positively benefit all aspects of your life in turn as well.
Knowing what your own red and green flags are can also help you spot them a little easier in others, too, while helping you to keep a sense of your own identity, wants, and needs outside of the relationship.
This reflection can be difficult, but looking at what you feel like you need to work on to develop your emotional intelligence can be done at your own pace.
Ask yourself questions such as:
- Do you take criticism well?
- How do you show your partner that you are listening to them?
- How do you make them feel safe?
- How do you apologise after you mess up?
- What are your love languages and how do you communicate them?
Being honest about your intentions when it comes to intimacy is a much sought-after green flag. If what you really want is a once-off encounter, don't tell the person that you're looking for something serious, or drop them once you get what you want.
That's not respectful behaviour, and there are plenty of people out there looking for the same thing as you.
Understanding the dynamics of healthy and unhealthy relationships through the use of flags is a gentle way to learn about this subject in bite-size chunks that are easier to process.
As we go into a new year full of resolutions and a fresh outlook, adding this topic to your list of resolutions will be giving yourself a gift that will last much longer than the holiday season - and can be shared with your friends, too!
The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ.
