Taryn de Vere writes about how she started making new friends once she was forced to move out of her comfort zone, in more ways than one.
I am a terrible friend. The truth is, if you're not calling me or physically appearing in front of me, it’s highly likely I’ve forgotten you exist. It’s a quirk of my autism that I "suffer" (enjoy?) object permanence issues.
Mostly though, it’s people and not objects that I forget exist if they’re not in front of me.
It’s made recent events in my life much easier, in that the housing crisis and a sudden loss of my regular employment resulted in my children and I separating to live with assorted relatives and friends - whoever could take us in, essentially.
Luckily, my youngest kids are teenagers, so this wasn’t as traumatic a situation as many families find themselves in, and I do feel fortunate that we all found safe places to stay.
Forgetting people complicates relationships, though. My children all have their own neurodiverse quirks, so are mostly understanding of mine. One of my kids also has people permanence issues and thus understands completely: it’s hard to miss someone when you forget they exist.
With friends, it can be harder to convince someone you care when they call you and you blurt out, "Oh! I’d forgotten all about you!"
It wasn’t just my friends who struggled. On the odd occasion when I had free time and thought, 'Now I could go and meet a friend for coffee.’ I’d spend the time sad because I couldn’t think who to ask, and feeling sorry for myself because I was such a big age and yet had no friends.
So, I started a list on my phone: "People You Are Friends With".
When I met interesting new people I’d ask them if it would it be OK if I added them to my list. This tactic made me feel less like a 'Nelly No Friends', and had the added bonus of managing the expectations of potential new friends, who were quickly appraised of my people permanence issues.
Due to the dissipation of my family a few weeks ago, I found myself living in Dublin after 21 years in Donegal. Aside from my best friend, who I now live with, I didn’t have many friends in Dublin (or maybe I do, and I’ve just forgotten about them? If that’s you, get in touch).
It turns out all I needed to do was respond in a friendly way to people who strike up conversations with me in bars and cafés.
Now in my 40s, the last thing I expected was that the people of Dublin would be so open and welcoming that I’d find myself with more offers of friendship and meet-ups than I could fit into my life. My Dub-born best friend claims my experience is unusual.
I rashly posted on social media about how absolutely lovely the people of Dublin have been, and that resulted in another outpouring of offers of friendship. So I’ve been steadily making new friends, meeting new people most evenings, and adding to my ever-growing list of 'People I Am Friends With'.
My top tips for making new friends at a big age:
- Be authentic. Pretending to be someone you're not is at best hard work, and at worst, deceitful. Be the most you you can be and you’ll find the exact people who vibe off you.
- Give meaningful compliments. If you see someone and you like the cut of their jib, don’t be afraid to tell them, it can be a great conversation starter.
- Be open to possibilities. You never know who you might meet, or what kind of a role they may end up playing in your life.
The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ.
