"Leave quietly and don't look back. Silence is powerful." Kate Brayden delves into the advice of others who found empowerment and healthy connections after coping with infidelity in their romantic relationships, as well as speaking to expert Dr Annie Levin.
My first and second experiences of cheating were vastly different.
The first, I was only 21. It was the only relationship I’d ever known and did not recognise toxic behaviour or abuse. I wasn’t surprised by his cheating, but I had to be the one to catch him out, rather than be told the news myself - which made it infinitely worse.
He was unapologetic, and the day after our relationship finally ended in flames, he had moved on already.
The second relationship that I ended as a result of cheating came as a huge shock. There were no signs or signals or red flags to speak of at all. He told me the truth hours after it happened, and was heavily influenced by alcohol and drugs at the time. He couldn’t have been more regretful.
If anything, it devastated him more than me, but it was his self-sabotage that I couldn’t get past. It just goes to show: if someone insists they don’t deserve you, they probably don’t.
Many of us associate infidelity with what we've seen in cinema. It's usually a woman who ends up crying and throwing her partner’s belongings out of a second floor window while he shuffles around the front garden picking up beige trousers.
In reality, cheating is often about silence. We try to maintain some dignity by cutting them out of our lives once faced with evidence, but there are quiet consequences that live on after the initial whiplash feeling dulls; mainly the long-lasting trust issues and dented confidence.
How do others cope under these circumstances? Some go down the route of the "revenge body" - sometimes invoking toxic trends to feel reborn. Others dye their hair pink, start running marathons seemingly out of nowhere, or move continents to overhaul their lives.
Empowering ourselves after experiencing cheating is easier said than done, and typically involves a lot of therapy, but most experts recommend investing time in solid friendships and finding new communities through hobbies you pursue solely for your own pleasure. If being single creates a void of space, fill it with things that can give purpose, like volunteering or learning a language.
I spoke to three people who experienced cheating in various parts of their lives, and a pattern quickly emerged of how deeply impactful facing infidelity can be. They each found healthy relationships afterwards, but not without having to break down walls they had built up.
"I was determined not to let the situation shame me into not experiencing pleasure or fun"
"Looking back, I don’t know how I didn’t see the signs," Molly, who was 20 at the time of her experience, tells me. "Once I found out the truth, I decided not to hide it or feel shame about it on my end. I sought counselling during and after because my mental health took a dive, but you’re not the one that has done anything to be ashamed of," she stresses.
When it came to recovering, she put her energy into more deserving sources. "My friendships got way better. I also explored my sexuality as I was determined not to let the situation shame me into not experiencing pleasure or fun. Above all, don’t let it take away your power."
Similarly, Sarah first experienced cheating in her college years. "My first relationship was very negative, with lots of jealousy and infidelity on his part," the writer, now 29, recalls. "He would disappear for days at a time. I feel so bad for that young version of me, turning a blind eye to his disrespect because I just wanted to be loved by this person. Sticking around for the tiny flashes of good and ignoring the bad. All my friends and family told me to leave."
Sarah eventually left after being shown evidence of her partner’s cheating by a close friend.
"It took years to recover. I built up emotional walls to protect myself that made being vulnerable with future partners difficult. At the end of the day, you are not the one who did the bad thing. Remember that it wasn't personal. While it might feel safer to exist in a state of defensiveness in your dating life, nothing is more beautiful than the experience of being emotionally vulnerable with someone who deserves your trust. It’s worth it to try again.
"My whole life needed an overhaul, and the ending of this relationship gave me that 'clean break’ feeling that helped me action the other things I needed to do," Sarah adds. "I sorted my education trajectory, moved away from my home city, and essentially grew up."
"Surround yourself with your nearest and dearest - go and have some fun."
Sorcha’s situation was earth-shattering, as she experienced cheating during her pregnancy.
"I found out a month after our child was born," she describes. "There had been signs I felt I overlooked to keep my sanity. That he chose the most vulnerable time felt like a huge betrayal. Coupled with a new baby and a healing body, it didn’t give me time to process.
"Remember: it isn’t your fault," Sorcha urges. "You did nothing wrong and you are enough. Their cheating is always about them. You may want to know all the details but I promise they won’t make you feel any better. Leave quietly and don’t look back. Silence is powerful.
"Surround yourself with your nearest and dearest - go and have some fun. Rant about how you’re feeling. Have a friend close by who you can watch a movie with. Whatever makes you feel supported. If you can remove the person from your life, although it is hard, it’ll speed up the healing process. You don’t need to hear them out, or clarity. Trust actions, not words."
Being much older and wiser than my first experience of cheating at 21, I have the tools to rebuild my life that I didn't possess before. Years of therapy have also allowed my self-esteem to stay at a certain level that cannot be detrimentally impacted by someone I date. Now I have the gift of focusing on myself and my needs 24/7, a feeling I haven’t had in years.
Psychotherapist and relationship coach Annie Levin describes the path she urges her clients take to empower themselves and rebuild their sense of self-worth:
"The impact of cheating can be devastating," she posits. "It shatters trust, undermines the foundation of a relationship, and can lead to feelings of insecurity and emotional trauma. It’s so important to prioritise self-care and seek support from trusted friends and family."
Finding a therapist you "click with" can be helpful in processing your emotions, and "empowering oneself through self-reflection and boundary-setting can lead to a stronger sense of self and the possibility of finding healing and closure".
Most of the time, getting through such an experience is just about overcoming the day to day trials and tribulations until memory fades. After the first relationship, I joined a charity volunteering organisation in college and got involved partially to distract myself from the constant stream of negative thoughts, and it became the best thing I ever did.
I also went to therapy and dissected why I was drawn towards such a dangerous person in the first place.
The second time, it’s different. When the relationship actually has love and care at the core of it, the shock is hard to move past. It has given me a reality check about putting myself first rather than adapting to someone’s needs. Learning to trust yourself again after believing in the wrong person and doubting your own worth is the most valuable thing you can possibly do.
After all, you deserve to be treated with respect. Harnessing the ability to find validation within ourselves is true empowerment.
If you have been affected by issues raised in this story, please visit: www.rte.ie/helplines.
The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ
