Sex therapist Rachel Cooke joined Jennifer Zamparelli on RTÉ 2fm to discuss managing different libidos in your relationship. Listen back above.
Whether you're only recently dating someone new, or in a long term and fully committed relationship, finding common ground when it comes to sex can be tricky.
Although the start of a new relationship can often be filled with sex and moments of intimacy, as we settle into our own habits and routines, sex can happen less than we want.
"For some people it just so happens that coincidentally both of the people just are fine with not having sex and that's alright, but most people do want to have a sexual component in their life", Cooke says. "However, more and more people are discovering that doesn't have to include penetrative sex. It can be other things that make it very satisfying."
Responding to one message from a listener whose husband has erectile dysfunction (ED) and hasn't had sex for two years, Cooke said that wanting that physical connection and not getting it can be extremely lonely.
She suggested thinking about what has changed in those two years, adding that "sometimes it's to do with having children, sometimes it's to do with people having had medical issues" among other reasons.
"ED is very treatable, so what are the conversations between you about this?" she continued, adding that "most of the time it is psychological and emotional, not physical".
She also noted that the other partner might need to express their desire for touch and affection in their relationship. "If they're not saying that, why not? And if they are, what happens? Does the husband make empty promises or just kind of dismiss it?
"I would say be really clear about the impact without guilt tripping or making an ultimatum, and then really reflect on what is keeping you in this relationship because it doesn't have to mean that you throw it away because there isn't sex in it, but it sounds like there's a lot of conversations that could be had and support you could get, because this is very treatable."
Another listener wrote in about having an extremely high sex drive, while his wife doesn't. Cooke started by suggesting that the pair read up and research about sex. "The vast majority of people are just not talking", she added.
"There are lots of people in the world who are very happy only having sex every two to three weeks or every two to three months or every two to three years", she said. "So this isn't about one person being right and one person being wrong."
She suggested thinking about what kind of sex you're having, as she noted that "the type of sex least enjoyed by women is penis in vagina sex". "Some women really love it but they don't want it anywhere near as much as their partners want it, so this might be about negotiating the types of sex you have together."
Finally, she suggested learning about how a person "shuts down". "What's their stress response, what's their conflict style, and what are yours? Talk about how to support each other with that."
Thinking about why we might put such a focus on sex is worthwhile, she adds, particularly as it can point to other needs in some case.
She explained that "often a high sex drive is often a source of pride for men, in my experience, when actually it can point to how vulnerable and dependent many men are on their one female partner, often, to meet a lot of their needs because current masculinity still says that men can't have physical touch, affection, intimacy with other people and other men."
For more advice on sex in relationships, listen back to the full interview above.
