Broadcaster Elaine Crowley talks to Elle Gordon about navigating grief, the power of community, new perspectives and looking to the future with hope.
In conversation, TV presenter, producer and mental health advocate Elaine Crowley is never anything but open and honest. The co-host of Ireland AM's weekend slot (with Martin King and Katya Mia), fills me in on the recent reshuffle of the show’s line-up, with Katya making the move to the Six O’Clock Show alongside Brian Dowling.
"It is all change again in Virgin Media towers." she says. "I first met Katya at the VIP Style Awards a few years ago and I thought 'Oh my God, I love her.’ I am very protective of her, like a sister. She will be hosting Love Island in a few years, mark my words…in the States, never mind in the UK. She is rare. She has a good heart and she brings other women up with her. I am so happy for her."
Elaine says this with such heart, in her usual championing of women, despite the fact she has had a particularly challenging few years herself.
"I am not going to lie. The last few years have been the toughest of my life. We lost my nephew, Ultan, to cancer in July and it is a pain like I never thought was possible. I lost my Dad when I was young and in 2021, I lost my mother, who I was so close to, and that was pretty devastating. But losing a boy that young makes no sense. He was going to win an Oscar, I was convinced of it. We had big plans.
"I was in Thailand in April and the day after I came back, we found out the news wasn’t good, and we only had a little over three months with him really."
Navigating grief for any loved one is challenging, but losing a child can break people – how did she and her family manage those days?
"The main thing was we couldn’t get upset. We had to put as much joy into that little boy’s life as we possibly could. And if you couldn’t be happy, then don’t be around. So every one of my my family and friends were about making sure he had the best time of his life.
"Up until a few months before, there was a hope against hope that they might be able to operate. We didn’t give up until we had no choice, but listen, everyone hopes for a miracle when it comes to something like this. There is always an exception. There is always someone that pulls through. We prayed to God, Ganesha, you name it, and unfortunately it just wasn’t to be.
"I have to say the one good thing, if any good thing can come out of this; they say it takes a village to raise a child, and it took a village to make his last days as good as they could be and to say a proper, decent goodbye. His little friends in school, his cousins – ‘El Cousins’ as they call themselves – they have a WhatsApp group, there is a band of six of them and they were with him until the very end. They are children: we give out about future generations at times but if the future is in the hands of little boys like those, we are absolutely headed for a good future. His brothers and his cousins and his friends; my God, I am so proud of them."
Elaine was able to do something special to honour Ultan’s life. "The Monday before he died, we asked a little traveling animal farm to come out to visit him. They wouldn’t take payment but eventually conceded to let us give them a tip. The lady who was organising it has a friend who owns a shelter for cats and dogs, Animal Help Kerry. She said, ‘Because Ultan loves cats so much I am going to donate the money you have given to my friend’s shelter.’"
Elaine continues, "After Ultan passed away, everyone was saying, ‘What can we do?’ and people wanted to send flowers and things like that. I said, ‘D’you know what? We will just set up a GoFundMe for the shelter in Kerry. We started with the aim of €500 and it snowballed up to €18,000. Ultan had two cats Chorizo El Gato and Mrs Creeper, who were his besties. It is utterly heartbreaking but the community, his friends and family, were amazing and so I really wanted to acknowledge that."
This time of year can be a particularly painful time, without loved ones we have lost. Elaine agrees, "I think at this time of year, it is very important to talk about grief. Being around someone who is grieving is very uncomfortable for a lot of people. Even if you want to help them, you don’t know the right things to say. Sometimes you try to distract them, but it is a hard thing to be around someone who is grieving and just listen.
"For us, the most important thing is, Ultan can never be forgotten and he will never be forgotten and we will talk about him forever. I think that’s what people who have lost someone want for their loved ones. They live on in our hearts and in our heads and in our memories. It is doing a disservice to any life if you stop talking about them."
Elaine says she understands the importance of allowing yourself to feel all the emotions, and allowing in the good days. "You can’t be sad all the time. If we do have moments of joy, we can’t feel guilty about it. Ultan became an uncle a month after he passed away. Christmas will be snuggling babies, crying a good bit. I am not going to lie, it will be very tough. But we have to grasp the moments of joy when we can. I am maid of honour for my friend Teresa who is getting married on the 28th. There will be moments of joy."
Is there anything she has taken away from these recent experiences? "There are people in a lot worse situations," she says.
"They say grief is love with nowhere to go so I think the measure of grief you have for somebody is a measure of how much they were loved. It has given me a new perspective on everything. Live every moment as if it counts. We are on this earth a short time and we have to make the most of it. It is not for regrets. It is not for second chances.
"Be around the people who you love and love you; the people who spark joy in your heart: whatever makes you happy. Grasp these things with both hands while you can. The one thing that does give me great hope is children. When you see how amazingly brave and resilient they are, like the children I have encountered over the last few months, I have faith in the future if that is the calibre of people coming up the ranks."
