Niamh Delmar is a Chartered Registered Counselling Psychologist and provides Psychological Support Workshops to work environments.
More and more couples are choosing to remain under the same roof after their relationship has broken down, or during the process of separation or divorce. Addictions, affairs, incompatibility or growing apart are some of the reasons behind couples in crises.
Reasons for not being able to move out include finances, medical, parenting and wanting to bide time. With the increasing cost of living and the housing crisis, it is little wonder that couples find it difficult to move out. Sharing an address for a period during or after splitting up is often a result of necessity.
A joint mortgage or business, medical issues, children with complex needs, and a multitude of factors restricts the option to leave the family home. Legal implications support this emerging mutually agreed alternative arrangement.
The Family Law Act 2019 has clarified for spouses living under the same roof once the court is satisfied they do not live together as a couple.
Couples often decide to stay because of their children. They don't want to disrupt their lives and routines. Thoughts of not seeing their children every day is too daunting. They navigate this by staying in the same house and co-parenting.
Research shows that maintaining or creating a strong familial intact bond is beneficial. However, this does not apply if there is conflict between partners or abusive behaviour as this is damaging to those who experience or witness it.
Studies have found that being stuck leads to a pile on of stressors including no longer feeling like a team, and being emotionally drained. This agreement offers a transitionary step towards relational movement and progress.
Pros
Rather than living in distress, feeling trapped or miserable and going in circles wondering what to do, this option facilitates gradual movement. It is a more open and transparent approach. Both partners take time to agree, process and accept the state of the relationship.
The transition period allows every family member to adjust slowly. There are no sudden shock waves, and it maintains stability for the family unit. Rather than juggling between two homes, children benefit of co-parenting. It also maintains the social status of being together rather than being overwhelmed coping with such emotional upheaval and also having to disclose.
Economically, it bides some time to get finances sorted and legalities explored. For those experiencing ambiguous separation, it may heal the relationship and leave the door open for a fresh start. It allows for a period when the couple can attend counselling, have a trial separation and repair fractures in the relationship. It gives time to sort out practicalities and make compromises.
Cons
Continuing to live together requires a level of maturity and mutual respect. Boundaries need to be set and reviewed. While physically under the same roof, both parties need to understand the relationship status has shifted.
If staying together primarily for the children, their best interests need to be prioritised. If new partners are involved that brings additional stressors that need to be managed.
What helps such an arrangement work?
Clear boundaries need to be clarified. Talking about it in advance and planning for difficulties that may arise, gives a better chance of it working. Both parties need to assess the relationship and identify what needs adjusting.
Examine reasons to stay or leave the partnership, and if they are healthy ones. If it is volatile, it will not work as is and it would be damaging for the children. Couples counselling can help to address issues and repair hurts and resentments. It is advisable that legal advice is sought, and mediation can be of benefit.
Expectations of each other and ground rules need to be clarified. Living space has to facilitate privacy and separate sleeping arrangements. A larger home can be modified into separate quarters. Mealtimes and domestic chores can be divided, with expenses shared accordingly.
If there are children, their wellbeing will need to be prioritised with open discussions and co-parenting agreements set. Organisations such as Rainbows Ireland can guide families through separation. The couple are also faced with decisions about who to tell and how they will present to family, friends, society and the school.
If arguments arise, they need to be taken out of the home to a neutral environment.
Dating is best left for a while, until the partner is sure they want to move on and then done discretely to give everyone time to adjust. An estimated time frame for the arrangement can be agreed upon and regular check-ins with each other held.
At some stage moving on means moving out or starting all over as a new improved couple.
The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ
If you have been affected by issues raised in this story, please visit: www.rte.ie/helplines.
