GP Dr Harry Barry and psychology lecturer Dr Ann-Marie Creavan talk to Claire about the challenges of fertility treatment and how to deal with the mental health impacts of infertility. Listen back above.
One in seven couples in Ireland are affected by infertility, and Dr Barry thinks we need to talk about it. The GP and mental health expert says that fertility treatment can be physically and mentally draining, and is often surrounded by shame and secrecy. It's time we opened up on the topic, he said:
"One of the great hidden areas that, typically in Ireland, we don't discuss at all, so I'm delighted we're actually bringing it to the surface."
Psychologist Dr Ann-Marie Creavan says that most people don't think about infertility until they have problems conceiving a child themselves. It can cause stress and anxiety when couples fall out of synch with friends, she says:
"When other people around you start moving forward with their lives in relation to having children, you do feel out of synch with them, you feel a bit left behind."
When the people you've shared all of life's "firsts" with are doing things without you, it can be upsetting and lonely. Not only that, your friends' attention is now taken up with raising their kids. They don't mean to exclude or neglect you; it's just that the timing is wrong. They can't be there to support you the way they used to:
"When you’re really struggling with infertility, your support system mightn’t be there."
Dr Barry says that couples going through infertility treatment may not want to publicise the fact. Friends and family can pass comments that are offensive, without meaning to be:
"Little hints are being dropped and you are desperately trying to get pregnant at that time."
The results of medical investigations in relation to the causes of infertility can be challenging for both men and women. The causes of infertility are not always known, but people will wonder, Harry says, and often they will blame themselves unnecessarily:
"There’s this kind of quiet thing where one is looking at the other, 'well, who is the problem?’ And sometimes it’s both people have a bit of the problem."
Prospective parents can underestimate the challenges associated with IVF, partly because it’s not spoken about enough, Dr Barry says:
"The psychological impact of IVF I don’t think we discuss half enough at all. IVF is so challenging. I’ve seen the pressure of IVF almost crush couples. That’s the enormous cost of it; I think it’s the huge amount of time involved. I think it’s the effects of hormone injections on women, which they really hate and the pressures on the relationship."
In terms of coping with the strains of fertility treatment, Dr Barry shares some of the things he says to couples trying for a baby:
Remember you are a couple first and foremost, whether you have children or not.
If IVF isn't working, take a break to allow yourselves to recover. Dr Barry explains that "the trauma to most couples of IVF is so severe, that I would strongly suggest three times and then sit back and then have a good long think."
If things don’t work out, you haven't failed as a person. Whatever obstacles are in the way of you conceiving a child, it is a failure of process, not people, Dr Barry says.
Dr Creavan also offered her tips to couples on navigating infertility:
Infertility counselling may help with smooth out differences of opinion, like over how many rounds of IVF to do. Sometimes one person may want to continue and one doesn’t, and this can cause additional stress.
If you don’t end up having children, Ann-Marie says that couples counselling can support people as they come to terms with this new reality: "Your life is going to look different if you had hoped to live it with children and you’re not going to now."
Confide in trusted allies in your friends and family. This means you’ll have people nearby who can deflect the heat of intrusive questions and provide a listening ear if you need to vent.
You can get more great content from Today with Claire Byrne, including clips and full shows here.
If you have been affected by issues raised in this story, please visit: www.rte.ie/helplines.
