James Kavanagh, presenter, podcaster and entrepreneur, opened up to Jennifer Zamparelli on 2fm about his debilitating panic attacks and how after four years of treatment and talking he's finally on the other side. Listen back above.
The Dublin native spoke for the first time about his struggle with panic attacks and anxiety, telling Jen that they started four years ago, after he had built an online following for his funny Snapchat videos documenting his life and scaring his partner, William.
With his career taking off, Kavanagh recalled waking up at 4am one morning with a strange "fuzzy" feeling. "It was like I was being dipped into a bath of sparkling water", he said.
"It started off as this fizzy, fizzy feeling at my feet. It rushed up my legs and I got really hot all of a sudden, and it just kind of overwhelmed me. My heart started pumping out of its chest, and this was out of nowhere.
"I thought I was dying, basically."
The attack lasted for 40 minutes, after which he was "exhausted". "I had never any issues with mental health or any sort of history of panic attacks, so I had no idea what this was", he added. He went to his doctor for a check-up, including a heart check, but the attacks kept coming more and more regularly, usually two or three a week.
"It got so bad that sometimes I think my body clock would wake me up at about ten to four and I'd check my phone. And I think I was even bringing the panic attack on because I was like, 'It's about to happen.'"
Kavanagh began talking to friends who suggested they might be panic attacks, and started finding ways to help manage them, from YouTube breathing exercise videos to lying on the floor to "ground" himself.
"I used to do things like if I was feeling the panic attack come on, I would go into the shower and imagine the water was washing it off me. And I know it sounds weird, obviously it was a placebo, but if I imagined the panic going into the shower drain, that did help."
He had support in William too as he had had his own mental struggles and guided Kavanagh through the attacks.
Though each individual person might experience panic attacks and anxiety somewhat differently, Kavanagh described what the experience of those attacks was like: "It's kind of like this really dark cloud of doom has just come over you. And it's not anything really specific, but it's just this feeling like life is about to be over for you."
He added that his attacks were "incredibly physical", recalling that he was "shaking and there was steam coming off" him during one attack.
His panic attacks settled into daytime anxiety, he added, which left him experiencing vertigo-like symptoms. Kavanagh ultimately found a GP that "recognised it for what it was" and prescribed him SSRIs (Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors), which he says he is still on and will stay on for at least three years.
"That honestly changed everything."
When asked if he had reservations about going on the medication, Kavanagh said, "big time".
"A lot of that came from – and this is no shade on my parents –how I was raised. My parents were always kind of, medication is the last thing you turn to.
"I was almost nervous telling them as well that I was going on them, because I knew they'd kind of fight against it. And they did to an extent. They were like, 'Go for a walk. Turn your frown upside down'. They're that generation, and they mean well as well.
He added that he "felt fear that I would lose my personality to them", referencing how antidepressants are often portrayed in media and pop culture.
"And it has happened", he added. "People lose their sex drive and they lose this and they lose that. So it's a bit scary and it doesn't work for everyone. I'm not saying it's a kind of plaster and it fixes everything, because everyone's anxiety or everyone's situation they're in is kind of different."
He added that finding the right SSRI for you can involve tweaking the medication and trying other changes alongside that, which should be done with your GP or a medical professional.
For him, however, "they were the change, the big change. And within a week, I kind of was back to my normal self. But in my deepest, darkest period of anxiety, I never truly saw myself like I am now. I never thought I'd get back there."
Listen back to the full interview above. Consult your GP if you think you are experiencing anxiety or panic attacks, for more information visit the HSE website.
If you have been affected by issues raised in this story, please visit: www.rte.ie/helplines.
