Do you always put yourself last? Do you smile and nod awkwardly during uncomfortable conversations instead of speaking up? Do you ignore the little voice in your head that tells you someone is treating you poorly?
If so, you might be a people pleaser.
Being kind and helpful is something we should all strive to be, but when the balance tips too far in that direction, regardless of how negatively another person might make us feel, we can be left feeling emotionally depleted, stressed, anxious and unhappy.
Dr Claire Crowe, a senior pediatric clinical psychologist and member of the Psychological Society of Ireland, joined Today with Claire Byrne to discuss co-dependency, what makes someone a people pleaser and how we can learn to hold better boundaries.
Co-dependency, Crowe explained, is a relational style that occurs when a person is unable to show themselves love, and instead turn to others for love and validation to bolster their self-esteem.
"The key here is that the relationship is unbalanced, as the needs of the other person will always trump the needs of the self", she said.
"It's not a mental health condition but like most things, co-dependence exists on a spectrum, which is why you might notice milder or moderate or severe manifestations of the symptoms in yourself."
If you have low self-esteem, Crowe said, or if it's based on you doing things for others, co-dependency can be a key problem for you. One of the ways it manifests is in carrying out tasks for others to make them happy, before prioritising what would make you happy: "You're going to be consumed by guilt if you're not always in that mode."
"If you based your internal worth on external sources, that sets up a real cycle of difficulty for you because you get so busy anticipating and meeting the needs of others, that you lose your own sense of self and identity in the process."
The strain of keeping "everything and everybody under control" can take its toll, as it is an "impossible" expectation, Crowe said.
"The harder you work, you do actually feel internal anger and frustration, and often these feelings are kept inside, so it may manifest in anxiety or ultimately lead to a breakdown where you can't do anymore because you're absolutely depleted and exhausted."
Asking yourself questions like do you feel most comfortable when you're giving rather than receiving help or attention, do you try to be perfect, or do you have an over-developed sense of responsibility can help you see whether you're in a people pleasing mode, Crowe said.
"The key here is to make sure that it doesn't because that out of control space, so part of that is really looking at your boundaries. How do you manage this?" Crowe added. She explained that if a neighbour was to ask you to carry out a job for them, one that puts your own family under pressure, "you've lost your negotiation skills" to work out a compromise that suits both people.
One listener texted in to say that the term "people pleaser" is derogatory as many people enjoy helping others, which Crowe agreed with. "Kindness is so important and we do want to create a generation of people who have greater humanity and compassion. We do model to our children, we'll tell them to share with their sister or be kind to others", she said.
"But self-esteem is also about being kind to yourself. That's the key here. There needs to be a point where you can mind yourself too. That idea of you need to put on your own oxygen mask before you put it on a child on an airplane."
To listen to the full interview, click the link above.
