Arguments can come up for even the seemingly happiest couples, and conflict is an important part of relationships: how they arise, and how they are resolved.
Jennifer chatted to Relationship & Sex Therapist, Rachel Cook about conflict in relationships, how to have better arguments with your partner, and why it's an important skill to learn.
Cook said that the amount of arguments that come up varies from couple of couple, with some not realising they're in conflict with each other and staying silent, to those who bicker all day, every day. "Obviously, those extremes are not ideal at all", she added.
She said that there's no real "normal" amount when it comes to rows either, but that it'll depend on a mix of factors including how much time you spend together and how long you've been together.
Knowing how to argue well is an important skill to learn, Cook said.
"I might even go so far as to say it could be the most important thing in terms of longer term satisfaction because there's no way, no matter how alike and compatible you are, that you're not going to find things that you find challenging and difficult, even if it's that you're very similar on something, you might find that annoying. You might end up arguing because you're too similar."
Cook says that the main areas of conflict in relationships are money, sex, children, not feeling met in your love language and lack of time and energy, particularly when it comes to how both partners are working and balancing other commitments.
Just as there are different love languages or ways of expressing affection, there are different conflict styles. Cook noted that one framework breaks them down into accommodating, avoiding, compromising, collaborating and competing.
"Competing and avoiding, not great. Accommodating can be good to a degree, but it can often mean that you're not really being honest about what it is that you're upset about or what you need."
Compromising can lead to the same feeling of resentment because you might be the only one compromising.
Collaborating, she said, is probably the most ideal out of the five as you're more likely to recognise that you might not get all of your needs and wants met in the resolution, but you'll feel like you're on the same team together.
As for when to know if conflict is becoming destructive, Cook first said that it doesn't have to be thought of as destructive all the time.
"I have a lot of people say to me that it must be destructive because they feel so much anger or sadness or distress, and I would say it's not actually about the intensity of the negative feelings because some people just are more intense feelers."
If you're having conflict with someone, she said, and "you regularly feel unheard, that they're not giving enough time to listening to you, they're not hearing you, maybe you come away from it with a lot of resentment and you feel like you're the one who's always doing the compromising or the sacrificing, then I would say it's probably started to be destructive".
She added that if the other person is giving threats to the relationship in conflict, or name calling, it can start to feel destructive. "Kitchen sinking", when you bring in way too many extra complaints or topics, can also derail conflict resolution.
For more advice on arguing well in your relationship, click the link above.
