With summer finally here, what better time for a little dating and romance? With that in mind, Peter Connolly is wondering whether we have time for any of it, given how busy we all are.
Modern dating is continually evolving but with more choice than ever we, as a society, appear to be struggling to find the time to connect with others due to our busy schedules. At least, that’s how I felt after returning to dating and thinking that online just wasn’t for me.
A quarter of new relationships In Ireland now start online and the number is growing each year. According to Ipsos MRBI, over 200,000 Irish people have a Tinder account with almost 50,000 using it every single day. In fact, the Irish are amongst its greatest users in Europe.
What's the problem?
We study for degrees; we invest in our careers; we hire personal trainers to get us fit - so why do our romantic lives fall by the wayside? Do our romantic needs not deserve as much attention and support? I decided to reach out to Annie Lavin, a dating and relationship coach, to try and gain some insight.
Relationship coaching is conversationally based and relaxed yet challenging. One of its many positives is gaining an objective view of the stories you tell yourself, your attitude, and your patterns in relationships that you may not get from your friends.
One of my stories was around not having much time. However, after discussing it with Annie, it turns out that it was more a case of being focused on too many things and not making space for dating. After all, if I don’t have time to meet or date someone then how do I have time for a relationship?
First steps to a first date
I began to create more space by letting go of some projects & people in my life. To get started, Annie recommends on being clear what your goals and needs are and delicately screening for them. If certain things are not present then, like any process, it shouldn’t go any further.
Some practical ones I identified were meeting someone who was 'relationship available', for example, a woman that was settled in her life in Ireland and could make me laugh.
A second story was around how to meet someone in everyday life without being weird or making anyone uncomfortable. If I’m honest, this was at the heart of my time excuse as it involves risk and is about perception in how we see ourselves and want to be seen by others. This can hold us all back in expressing ourselves as we can play it way too safe at times, which isn’t great for chemistry.
Annie also reminded me that there are times when spending time on self-care and taking a break from dating to improve our relationship with ourselves is the best foundation to build from, instead of focusing on getting dates as the answer.
Off-line dating
If you don’t use online dating then what does the alternative look like? I recognise that it may seem more difficult; starting conversations comes with certain risks as a lot of public spaces feel like they are conversation-free zones. It is also difficult to navigate people's real fears, previous experiences and society's changing social norms.
However, if we can’t talk to each other then, of course, there are no opportunities beyond online which means that appropriate communication skills will never improve and we won't have the opportunity to learn how to handle rejection.
For me, a return to dating means being curious and open to possibilities. When it feels right, I hope to find the 20 seconds of courage to say 'hello' or approach someone to start a conversation that doesn't necessarily have to go anywhere.
Where to next?
I will keep you posted...
For more information on relationship coaching, contact annie@relationshipcoach.ie or see www.relationshipcoach.ie. Of course, there are lots of dating agencies and coaches out there - Annie was the one that Peter reached out to.
