From spicy yogurts, to quantum physics, here are a few things I learned as a parent this week...

1. Easy like Sunday morning my a**e.

2 Before you decide to have kids, draw on the walls, throw toys everywhere and have your partner shout your name 10,000 times. THEN decide.

2. Being a dad has taught me that you don’t need fun to have alcohol, in moderation, of course.*

4. 3yo: I don’t like it, it’s too spicy.
    Me: IT’S A YOGURT.

5. Sunday bedtime is usually when my kids like to discuss quantum physics.

6. It’s also the time when my kids need to finish their 'homework'.

7. Me: ‘use your words'.
    5 mins later: *Why, oh why did I say that?! Be careful what you wish for*.

8. As a pig flew over our house yesterday, I finally saw the bottom of our laundry basket.

9. Even if my privates were on fire my kids would walk into the room and ask me for a snack.

10. I’ve already threatened my kids with Santa and it’s not even Halloween yet.

11. I’m half tempted to create an ‘Unboxing Dinner’ video on YouTube so that my kids will eat the bloody food.

12. I only bring my kids to the library so that I can get some peace and quiet.

13. I promise I won’t bring my sleeping bag to the library again.

14. I think I slept in more beds last night than I did in all of my years of college.

15. I’d love to calculate how much time I’ve spent looking for something I know I’ve already thrown away.

16. Raisins, or as I commonly refer to them as, ‘my favourite little box of gimme peace’ are my friend. Although too many on unbrushed teeth and a dentist bill and they won't be for long.

17. ‘Ugh I hate broccoli’. Yet he’ll eat freshly picked snot no problem.

18. Co-sleeping; what a load of s***.

      (1) nobody bloody sleeps and
      (2) it’s more like snow plowing, given how much I have to shift both kid and wife over to their side.

19. If bottled bath water was a thing, my kids would drink it by the gallon.

20. If anybody tells you that kids give you things that money can't buy, remember that one of those things is POVERTY.



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