Things I've Learned As A Parent Over The Past Few Weeks...
1. It doesn't matter how many degrees you have, trying to count out scoops of formula is a head wreck.
2. If you yell "what are you up to" and your kids say "nothing" that's kid code for "you better get up off your ass and check on us".
3. 3yo: Daddy are they your boobs?
Me: No they're pecs.
3yo: They look like boobs.
Me: No they're p...
3yo: They're big hairy boobs.
Me: *tear in my eye as I put my shirt on*
4. "Get dressed please" seems to get interpreted as stand around naked with one sock on while wiggling your bits and watching TV.
5. Before I had kids I thought only 'oddballs' sniffed underwear.
6. I can't wait until my kids are teenagers so that I can wake them up a 04.27 to tell them that my "duvet isn't on right".
7. Trying to open a Capri Sun without it squirting out is one of parenting’s toughest challenges.
8. It always amazes me how thirsty and communicative my kids are at bedtime…."Dad I’m thirsty can you get me a drink and I’ll tell you all about my day".
9. Wearing a Halloween mask in bed has been a great way to stop our kids from wanting to sleep in our bed at night.
10. Son: "DAAAD I only asked you to hold my ice cream".
Me: "Yes and that's why it's important to learn from your mistakes".
11. If you think your kids will go to bed earlier and easier just because they didn't nap, I can recommend the following book - Parenting For Dummies.
12. First child - healthy, organic, sugarless everything.Third child - "Just pick it up and eat it" [as the microwave burrito falls on floor].
13. Sheep poo are not Maltesers.
14. If you've never had a stalker experience just put a 1yo in a walker. #TheWalkerStalker
15. To avoid a leg amputation don't walk around barefoot while said stalker is in his walker. I'd rather step on Lego any day.
16. It's easier to get my kids to eat vegetables, tidy the house, brush their teeth or confess to a crime than it is to get them to admit that they're tired.
17. Here's a list of things my kids don't fight about:
18. 3yo: "Dad can I look at your tablet?" Me: "Sure, just don't turn it on"
19. If it ain’t broke…my kids haven’t touched it yet.
20. 5yo: "Daddy what does neglect mean?" Me: "Sssh I’m watching the golf".
21. My 5yo is going to get on fine at college. Yesterday he fell on his face but managed not to spill a drop of his Fruit Shoot drink.
22. My kids are starting to play with each other in the "one of you will be going to A&E soon" kind of way.
23. I said ‘beep beep’ instead of ‘excuse me’ to a guy in a shop last week.
24. There are days when I wish I was the Elf on The Shelf.
25. Beans are particularly difficult to remove from a 3-year-old's nose when they haven’t mastered blowing their own nose.
26. When my kids say that they’re full they’re actually just full of it because 5 mins later they’re always looking for something else to eat.
27. When thrown with full force by a 3-year-old, cereal bowls do smash on the grass. #HeToldMeToDoIt #NoIDidNot
28. I will miss you when you ‘diy’ was the latest card I got from my 5-year-old.
29. Me: "Don’t do that". Child: *Does it*. Rinse and Repeat
30. The perfect way to end a lovely moment with kids is to take a photograph.
31. There's nothing quite like sitting helplessly on the toilet while your kids stare at you from the doorway.
32. If you have 3 kids and 20 toy cars the chances of them fighting over the same one is 100%.
33. I'm convinced that my kids can just smell me relaxing.
34. That said, if you slack off enough kids become very self-sufficient, very fast.
35. Kids farting in the bath is funny-ish. You know where this is going...
36. "But why buy it for €6 when we can just make it ourselves?"...because €20 spent on craft supplies and 3 hours of my time later the kids are bored and I'll hate my life.
37. "Wow, that kicked off quickly", is fast becoming our family motto.
38. You can have furniture that hasn't been peed on or you can have kids. You can't have both. #ItWasNiceWhileItLasted
39. The new title of my imaginary parenting book will be 'Never mind, I'll do it myself'.
40. 3yo shouting from kitchen:"YUM I LOVE SALAMI"
Me shouting back: "WE DONT HAVE ANY SALAMI"
3yo walks in eating raw rasher.
41. Luminous soothers are the business.
42. "Dad I'm bored", as he sees me hoovering.
43. Dear school, PLEASE open soon.