Chartered Psychologist Allison Keating, the author of The Secret Lives of Adults, writes for Culture ahead of her appearance at this year's Dublin Book Festival, where she will discuss the fine art of 'emotional first aid'.
Words have such meaning. I hear them in the privacy of my clinic and my ears prick up when people say ‘I know this is silly’ or ‘I know I should’ve had this figured out by now’ to ‘I know I shouldn’t be hurt by this, but’ and then the tears come.
The person sitting in front of me is sharing their private self, their private fears, doubts, worries, stresses and anxieties. The words ‘I feel overwhelmed’ to ‘I just want to have peace of mind’ are the themes of distress that are shared by so many. I see how vulnerability connects us all and yet a sense of shame pervades as they fear their sense of impostor syndrome will catch them out. Leading many to numb out their pain, which has become so easy in a distracted world.
Adulthood is one grenade of uncertainty after another. Your brain does not like uncertainty and this fear breeds anxiety.
No one really wants anyone else to see their vulnerability, often it is the ‘strong one’ who is sitting in front of me or the one who is told they are ‘so calm, organised, nothing phases you’. This dichotomy of self then leaves people acutely aware of the major gap between their public self and their more private self, leaving many feeling isolated, misunderstood and alone.
This is where the idea of my book came from, as one person sat in front of me but as they described themselves I heard their many inner lives. I saw they were the mother or father, the wife or husband, the daughter or son, the boss, employee or team lead. The image of a Russian Doll came to mind as I saw one person divided amongst their core relationships, all separate yet connected.
With so much information overload, you’d imagine we’d know ourselves and what to do. Psychology is often counter-intuitive and full of common sense and yet common sense isn’t all that common. Why, because you need to actively engage in your own health in a sustainable way. Not another faddy idea that will do more damage than good. Consistency is King, and maintenance of such is the Queen! We all know what to do to be healthy, that doesn’t make it a given that it will be done.
This can prove even more arduous when it comes to our mental health. The core of my book is to show you ‘how’. Evidence based practice, breaking it down into tasks that you can bring into the busyness of your own life.
Emotional first aid, and showing you how to become a first responder to your own emotional wounds and needs. If you cut your finger, you’d know what to do. What happens when your sibling sets you off with ‘that look.’ Or when you have the same reaction to triggers such as rejection, criticism or feeling left out? These skills sometimes can feel less clear. The Secret Lives of Adults hopes to be the life manual you never received as an adult. Childhood for many, hopefully had more certainty, with your food be provided, and less daily decision fatigue as you wore the clothes your parents picked to the saviour that was a school uniform. Most tried to bolt out of childhood to the fantasy of independence and wanting to make all those decisions yourself.
Adulthood is one grenade of uncertainty after another. Your brain does not like uncertainty and this fear breeds anxiety. Learning to know yourself and why you react the way you do can lead to insight that enables you to feel that you are in control and not the other way around as you navigate stress, deadlines, pressure and relationships issues.
Regardless of what’s going on in your life it shows you how to grow through adversity leaving a grounded hope to live a life on purpose with purpose and meaning.
Allison Keating will be taking part in Managing Stress and Anxiety, alongside Dr Harry Barry in conversation with Jennifer O'Connell at the Dublin Book Festival on Saturday 17 November at 2pm - more details here.
