Analysis: Christmas is the ultimate pressure cooker for families, couples and individuals with so much stress to have a picture-perfect season
George Michael's Last Christmas is festively Dickensian in its evocations of Christmas past, present and future. Last Christmas was so heartbreaking that George is determined this Christmas will be different, only to be trapped on repeat, before resignedly concluding ‘maybe next year’.
Mental health around Christmas is so acute, with the abounding loneliness of people unable to live up to the Hallmark Christmas ideals. We should always remember those enduring their first Christmases in bereavement, or as separated, or far from their homelands, and indeed consider if they want to know it’s Christmas time at all.
But often the most harrowing loneliest place, may not be grieving alone, but the grief of being at the heart of families and others and feeling so utterly and absolutely invisible and unappreciated. As Norwegian philosopher Lars Svendsen says, "what matters is not the extent to which an individual is surrounded by other people, but rather how that individual experiences their relationship to others." We may be ‘all together’ for Christmas, but some of us find these spaces distressingly divisive.
We need your consent to load this rte-player contentWe use rte-player to manage extra content that can set cookies on your device and collect data about your activity. Please review their details and accept them to load the content.Manage Preferences
From RTÉ Radio 1's Drivetime, should we holiday with our in-laws?
Can you remember last Christmas? Every new year, as both clients and friends stumble through the January blues, I invite them to write five memos for the next Christmas. What went wrong? What could have been done differently? How much did you overspend? Did you receive as much as you gave on different levels? What did you give yourself?
One word that will get overused, and definitely overplayed these next weeks, will be ‘tradition’. It is an emotionally and socially overloaded word that keeps things and people stuck in the past. Consider how ‘traditional values’ trump much cultural progress within contemporary politics. It is tradition that traps people in Christmases neither of their making or choosing, as the emotional manipulations of ‘we have to be all together’ crushes people’s time, money, and selves.
Many families and couples must separate for Christmas because one set of families’ traditions are here, and the others are there. Adults becoming infantilised as they cross their birth family thresholds and either fall back or are pushed into belittling and humiliating childhood roles, most especially if they are single or uncoupled.
From RTÉ Radio 1's Today with Claire Byrne, a special festive Gathering about Christmas traditions
Christmas is the ultimate pressure cooker for families, couples and individuals; so much stress to have a picture-perfect Christmas. Very few families recognise or appreciate the emotional and financial costs and demands tradition puts on people. If anyone tries to take a stand around what might be fair and reasonable, they become the Grinch who is threatening to steal Christmas. You don't want to be the one who gets blamed for ruining Christmas this year.
For anyone obligated to spend traditional time with family or in-laws, especially when it hurts and costs, please don’t let that be your main Christmas event. Feel free to arrange something before or afterwards either on or around the day with like-minded folk. Take some steerage back from others, be that arriving on your time, and most especially leaving when it suits you.
Within the loneliness and ultimatums of Christmas, it is vital to mind yourself and ensure you actively choose things that are for you and yours. Gifting yourself things for you to enjoy across these days might not only be a welcome and necessary reprieve, but can be something richly positive that honours you.
We need your consent to load this rte-player contentWe use rte-player to manage extra content that can set cookies on your device and collect data about your activity. Please review their details and accept them to load the content.Manage Preferences
From RTÉ Radio 1's Morning Ireland, Cian McCormack looks at how berevement affects families at Christmas
In Ireland, being able to exit situations is key when energies get frayed and drunken humiliations beckon. If Christmas events are going to be challenging, hold off on drinking yourself, not only so you don’t add to the tensions, but more importantly so you can drive the hell out of there.
The traditional family of blood, origins or couplings do not have to be everything, Often friends have been a truer family, so celebrate these families too. What is biological is not always logical, especially at Christmas. It’s never about surrounding yourself with other people, but about how you connect with those people or, even better, how you experience your connections with those people. If those connections are present for you, then they are the best Christmas presents.
Go spend time with the tribe with whom your heart belongs, even if you're the chief of a solo tribe
"I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone", Robin Williams once said. "It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." Go spend time with the tribe with whom your heart belongs, even if you're the chief of a solo tribe. Better this than being sacrificed to the in-laws who outlaw anything counter to ‘tradition’. If you are flying solo, think about gathering with others at a loose end to mark your own festive celebrations. An open door is always most welcome to/for those who feel closed out, especially at Christmas.
For those fortunate enough to have good families and couples, you are indeed blessed. Reach out to friends, family and loved ones who may be struggling with loss, loneliness or grief. Numerous organisations provide Christmas help and company to the elderly, poor and homeless, who always are looking for volunteers to help cook, serve and chat. This can be the gift that gives self-worth and purpose right back to you. Most of all, in all the insanity and pressure to be having fun, find some time and space to be still and to be present. This is often the best present of all.
Follow RTÉ Brainstorm on WhatsApp and Instagram for more stories and updates
The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ
