Analysis: There's much advice to be obtained from the lovers of wisdom for the lovers of beauty about how to be more content with life
The 12th century philosopher, Pierre Abélard seduced his student, Héloïse, and ended up being castrated by the agents of her uncle, Canon Fulbert, as a result. Søren Kierkegaard abandoned his relationship with his beloved, Regine Olsen, in a symbolic reenactment of Abraham's attempted sacrifice of Isaac, with the expectation that God would restore her to him. Much to Kierkegaard’s disappointment, Olsen subsequently married a civil servant.
Yes, neither of these anecdotes is a great advertisement for philosophy as a source of romantic advice. But even if it cannot turn us into all-conquering Casanovas, philosophy can at least help us to become happier regarding our love lives. Here are some of the top tips offered by the lovers of wisdom to the lovers of beauty.
Sexual fantasies will make us unhappy
When I see an attractive woman in the street, I do not imagine what she would look like undressed. I do not imagine myself climbing into bed with her. I do not imagine what would happen next. Instead I say "Wait a minute, impression, let me see what you are and what you represent. Let me test you".
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From RTÉ 2fm's Jennifer Zamparelli, relationship therapist Rachel Cooke on sexual fantasies
At Discourses II.18, the Stoic philosopher, Epictetus warns us against indulging in sexual fantasies. This will reduce our capacity to make the sorts of decisions which will ultimately lead to our long-term happiness, in much the same way that someone who has lain in bed for 10 days will find it difficult to suddenly get up and take a long walk. Immanuel Kant in The Metaphysics of Morals is rather harsher, regarding such fantasies as a defilement of humanity.
Avoid obsession with a specific individual
This is a difficult one, since orientation towards a specific individual would seem to lie at the very heart of what most of us regard as love. Plato regards love as the move from the specific individual who inspires these feelings via an ascent of the soul to a metaphysical Form (later conceived by Christian Platonists such as Ficino as an ascent to God).
This occurs (as outlined at Symposium 210a-211d) via an increasing process of abstraction. Here, the lover moves from the beautiful body of the beloved to understanding that there is a similarity in all beautiful bodies to beauty of soul and the beauty of laws to the beauty of all branches of knowledge to the single knowledge of Beauty and, finally, to the revelation of Beauty itself.
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Regard the kiss as a spiritual practice
While Baldassare Castiglione's The Book of the Courtier is generally regarded as a practical guide to courtly life, Book IV outlines the manner in which to conduct a love affair in accordance with a Platonic ascent to the divine. The kiss is conceived of as a vital point in this ascent. Upon seeing a beautiful woman, the courtier should employ reason to shut out appetite and concentrate on the enjoyment of beauty via the higher senses, sight and hearing (i.e. taking pleasure in a woman’s radiance and "the sweetness of her voice").
Kissing is permitted, despite the strictures on sensual love prevalent at the time and the necessity of keeping love affairs at court secret. This is because the kiss should be considered as the union of two souls and not the union of two bodies, appealing to the authority of both Plato and the Song of Songs. The act becomes a kind of pivot: the point at which one can fall back to earth (by becoming entrapped in sensual desire) or ascend to the heavenly realm.
Marriage for economic security can be justified
Plutarch's Dialogue on Love recounts the tale of Bacchon, a boy from humble circumstances, who has received a marriage proposal from Ismenodora, a wealthy widow about twice his age. This leaves him as the butt of jokes from his classmates, while his mother is concerned with him marrying above his station in life, although, practically speaking, this represents a very real economic opportunity for him.
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In his Advice to a Bride and Groom, Plutarch presents marriage for love as an "intimate union", as opposed to marriage for a dowry. In the Dialogue on Love, he justifies the proposed marriage in philosophical (not economic) terms as a type of "companionate" association which can lead to virtue. Ismenodora’s love for Bacchon is explicitly mentioned, although we do not learn much about his feelings for her and the dialogue ends with the marriage ceremony taking place.
When all else fails, know when to call it quits
Many of us have undergone the painful experience of attempting to hold on to a relationship that is no longer working. Philosophy would advise us to simply let go. Epictetus counsels Menelaus that he is better off being rid of a wife such as Helen (who scandalously ran off with his guest, Paris) and offers the same guidance to Medea, abandoned by her husband, Jason, for the Corinthian princess, Glauce.
Unrequited sensual love causes unhappiness but, for Ficino, this is largely due to the lover’s failure to ascend from the senses towards divine beauty. While this may not seem to help us much with regard to difficulties in our love lives, philosophy offers numerous strategies to become more content and accepting of these lives as they are.
Dr Carl O'Brien is the author of The Demiurge in Ancient Thought and editor (with John Dillon) of Platonic Love from Antiquity to the Renaissance
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The views expressed here are those of the author and do not represent or reflect the views of RTÉ
