You may move rooms to get a decent night's sleep, but does this impact your relationship, intimacy and sex life?
If you or your partner talks in their sleep or snores, perhaps you (or the other one) have crept off to the spare room to get a decent night's sleep. But if something that happened as an one-off may have become more regular, how does this impact your relationship, intimacy and sex life? Researcher and sexologist Dr Siobhan O'Higgins from the School of Psychology at the University of Galway joined Drivetime on RTÉ Radio 1 to discuss this. (This piece includes excerpts from the conversation which have been edited for length and clarity - you can hear the discussion in full above).
First off, is this a good or a bad development? "It doesn't really matter where you're sleeping as long as you're able to talk to each other and to engage in intimacy if that's what you want to do", says O'Higgins. "Saying that intimacy or sex can only happen in a bedroom is very limiting so I don't think that's really a problem. What is the problem is not being able to communicate with your partner about why you're now sleeping in separate beds. So it's about communication and not worrying about it because you can't help snoring you know."
Presenter Cormac Ó hEadhra then asked the question which he claimed "people were screaming at their radio": where else could sex happen? "If you only just had sex in your bedroom then sleeping apart may be an issue, but surely you could have sex and then go to sleep afterwards in separate bedrooms like if you need the bed?"
Another issue is intimacy, something which is hard to have if you've separate bedrooms. O'Higgins says cuddling and closeness would be difficult to get in that situation, but "if you can't sleep because your partner is snoring then you're going to be annoyed with your partner and you're going to be lacking sleep so then you're more likely to lash out and say negative things to them.
"Sleep is really important so it's about working out how you can continue that intimacy. Often intimacy isn't just the cuddle in bed; it's like, you know, when you pass them in the kitchen just touching them, just moving closer to them. It's not just the physical intimacy, it's the trust and knowing that if you do become sexually intimate with your partner that it's consensual on both parts and it's hopefully going to be mutually enjoyable as well and that has to be talked about."
O'Higgins points out that intimacy also changes as people get older. "As we get older, we tend to become less sexual with our partners. When we first meet, we're having a lot of sex and then all these other roles come on board, like being a parent and all these other things that you're doing, and you sometimes lose sight of your partner as an individual who is the person that you love but is also a sexual being. It's about being able to stop for a second to see them as the wonderful person that you fell in love with at the beginning and that they are an individual and that they have all these wonderful talents and everything."
Getting older and busier can also mean it's harder to find the time to have sex so O'Higgins recommends planning ahead. "You may have to move towards that kind of planning instead of relying on spontaneity. It takes the stress out of it. It takes away all the 'oh are we going to have sex?' and 'do I stay in the room?' and 'do I have to go?' and all of that. So it is about communication, it is about mutual consent, it is about mutual pleasure.
"Things change as to what you enjoy and don't enjoy as you get older, so it may not be about penetrative sexual intercourse as much as touching and being together and cuddling. To share intimacy and share and listen to each other listen to each other about what people want from each other. Love just needs a little bit of fanning of the flames and respect."
