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Between LIV and TGL, it's FML for golf purists

Updated / Sunday, 5 Nov 2023 20:14
An artist's impression of how the latest iteration of golf will look
An artist's impression of how the latest iteration of golf will look

Professional golf is still deep in its Dragon's Den phase.

The first time that many realised there was a jazzy new golf venture in town was on Thursday when it was reported that Jon Rahm was withdrawing from The Golf League (TGL), the Rory McIlroy and Tiger Woods-devised 'simulator golf tournament' due to start this January.

People are still trying to wrap their heads around the concept. What is it, say you?

Well, it's a simulator golf tournament - as I said - which will take place in the Sofi centre in Palm Beach, Florida [therefore, within walking distance from the home of most professional golfers]. This is to be a custom-made facility capable of hosting 1600 spectators. It's as yet unbuilt, though from the outside it resembles the famous dome in Bekan.

The players will lash their tee shots and long irons into a massive screen - 64x46ft - golf simulator style. They will play off grass tee-boxes, fairways, rough, sand, as and where they lie. From 50 yards in, they will hit into an actual green zone, which changes slope and shape depending on the hole in question.

And there's a team dimension. It turns out that golfers, long pegged as awkward individualists, were yearning for some camaraderie all along.

In 'TGL', the 24 players will make up six teams of four. The matches will be 3v3, with one team member rested. Matches will be 15 holes long. The first nine holes will be a three-person alternate shot match [aka, Triples], with the final six holes being singles - each player playing two holes. They'll aim to wrap it up in a couple of hours.

Naturally, the LIV upstarts, who got the going over of a lifetime from the golf establishment, are staring, mouths agape, at the new venture, breathlessly exclaiming 'wha...?'

For golf purists, the gimmicky and brash project may stand as a betrayal from the clique who were positioned as the stout defenders of the game's soul during the LIV disruption.

Next to the proposed Golf League product, LIV looks like it was devised by Old Tom Morris.

Greg Norman and Phil Mickelson have gone from disreputable renegades, tearing apart the fabric of the sport, to fusty old traditionalists.

Looking at the format, it's hard to entirely shake off the suspicion that the whole thing has been cooked up to allow Tiger Woods to remain a competitive presence in the sport while not having to walk around that much.

Though no longer a viable winner of serious events, Woods remains the biggest draw of them all. In recent major championships, TV directors have been known to break off from the leaders to give us a lingering shot of Tiger walking stiltedly towards the scorers tent after shooting 78.

He is still idolised by the current generation of golfers, most of whom can't remember a time in golf before 1997. Though Tiger himself gave the Netflix producers the slip, more or less every episode of Full Swing included an obligatory piece of childhood reminiscence of that time Woods won something, thereby inspiring our subject.

Partly as a result of the LIV battle, he has stepped into that golfing elder statesman role that Jack Nicklaus inhabited in the 1980s and 1990s.

Of course, a critical difference between LIV and TGL is the absence of the Saudi component and the fact that this Golf League wheeze isn't out there hustling for ranking points. At present, it seems that it isn't pretending to be other than a sports entertainment offering, designed to appeal to the e-sports generation.

The team component is one thing they do share in common. TGL appear to have learned from LIV's errors on that front, the latter's randomly assigned names making them sound like anthromorphic crime gangs in a kids television show. TGL have given their own teams a touch more gravitas by linking them to cities, NFL franchise-style.

We already have Los Angeles Golf Club, part owned by the Williams sisters, and Atlanta Drive, which has already signed up Justin Thomas, and TGL New York.

Liverpool fans will presumably be hoping that the fortunes of Boston Common Golf don't hog too much of Fenway's attention.

JP has yet to involve himself in a franchise, though given that we're informed that Tiger rarely makes a business decision without consulting the Sage of Adare Manor, we presume he was flagged about developments at an early stage.

In a now infamous clip, Collin Morikawa was inordinately excited about being drafted by the LA Golf Club team, saying it almost tops getting the Ryder Cup nod, a remark which could go some way towards explaining his performance at Marco Simone.

And Shane Lowry, arch LIV-hater, is on board, though hasn't been assigned a team as yet.

In addition to Rahm, neither Scottie Scheffler nor Viktor Hovland are involved in the inaugural league, meaning three of the world's top five are absent.

Jordan Spieth has also opted out, which may come as a relief to his mucca JT, who had to spend much of September traipsing around in impenetrably dense rough during their foursomes match in Rome.

What more changes will they have in store?

We know players will be mic'd up and so trash talk and golf bantz will be encouraged, although Bubba Watson style outbursts will result in censure from the producers.

Presumably, walk-in music will be part of the package.

Billy Horschel to 'I'm forever blowing bubbles', Xander Schauffele to 'For the love of money', Tyrrell Hatton to 'F**k you, I won't do what you tell me'. Lowry to the 'Offaly Rover', needless to say.

Patrick Cantlay will be serenaded with 'You can leave your hat on'.

We imagine the whole thing will be a far cry from the late Ivor Robson.

The celebrated R&A announcer, famed for his super-human bladder control, was determinedly minimalist in his approach. No insertion of nicknames. No listing out of major achievements. No 'reigning Buick Open champion'. No differentiation between the all-time superstar and the lad scrapping to keep his tour card. Just the player's nationality and his name. His only extraneous descriptor was in honour of 'the defending champion' and he may once have angsted over whether that was too wordy.

McIlroy and Woods are driving forces behind the new league

What other innovations might be included to spice up the offering?

A euphoric rendition of Chase The Sun a la the darts every time a putt longer than 20ft is drained?

Rival 'fans' may be hailed rather than ejected for shouting 'F**k you' on an opposition player's downswing.

Between glacially slow play on the established tours and the encouragement of raucous behaviour in upstart tours, Colin Montgomerie will probably be glad he retired when he did.

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