Singer, theologian and inter-faith minister Nóirín Ní Riain spoke to Brendan about her own marriage and divorce, conducting divorce ceremonies and some tips on how to divorce well. Listen back above.

Inter-faith minister Nóirín Ní Riain believes that ritual can play a role in helping divorcing couples make the transition to a new life. She tells Brendan O'Connor that she was married to the love of her life, the late composer Mícheál Ó Súilleabháin, with whom she had two sons. Nóirín says they enjoyed many happy years together and shared a deep love of music and the Irish language. At some point, however, she says things began to change:

"I think a lot had to do with when I started travelling and performing myself around the age of 35; that suddenly I became sort of, more independent. Our closeness then started fading into the mists."

Nóirín says the break-up after 2 decades of what people considered to be a 'golden couple’ was very difficult:

"Divorce at any time is the most painful, excruciating experience, Brendan. It's hell – hell on earth. It’s crucifixion; it’s the valley of tears. And there’s no easy way through divorce."

Faith and the support of her friends and family got her through and she continued to have a close friendship with her ex-husband. Nóirín says they worked together to limit the impact on their children and tried to keep confrontation out of the divorce proceedings. She says the bond between them as parents and as soul mates over many years remained strong; albeit in a different form. Nóirín says she developed a good relationship with Micheál’s second wife and that she and Micheál continued to mark important events together:

‘There was no Christmas Day we spent apart, right up to his death."

Nóirín went on to study theology and was ordained as an inter-faith minister in 2017. She now offers a bespoke services for couples who want to mark the end of their marriage as a rite of passage. Nóirín says she believes this approach is helpful to people as they move on with their lives, as it is founded in the ancient human practice of ritual:

"Ritual is the essence of life – ritual helps in every situation. When you commend something to a ritual, you commend it to a higher force."

One of the factors contributing to divorce, Nóirín believes, is the fact that people are living longer. What was a 40 or 50-year relationship in the past could now be extended by several decades, she says:

"We’re now living an awful lot longer. So, if you’re in a relationship that is 50 or 60 years old, you’re blessed – but so many people aren’t, because it’s so difficult to grow together for that length of time."

Nóirín has spent many years thinking about how to help people to "divorce well". There may be no avoiding the pain of divorce, but there is hope, no matter how desolate people can feel at the time, she says:

"Your hopes are gone, Brendan, your dreams are gone. They’ve gone out the door, wherever they’ve gone to. But they do come back, they do come back."

As well as providing hope, Nóirín has some tips for divorcing well, which you can hear by listening to the full interview above. She also says it’s worth thinking about the best course of action, before you rush into anything. She suggests imagining what your future self would want, if you could ask them:

"Do I really want this? Will I think about myself in 20 years' time – will I want that? Will I want this separation; will I want this divorce?"

If you decide to dissolve a marriage, Nóirín believes its important not to see the marriage necessarily as a ‘mistake’. Coming from a faith-based perspective as she does, Nóirin believes in destiny:

"You were meant to do this, now you are meant to go your separate ways. I have a great belief in that destiny; that fate has destined for you."