Psychologist Maureen Gaffney sat down for a chat with Brendan O'Connor about fathers and the unique role they play in the lives of their children; acknowledging that there are a variety of family structures in any society.
Over the past few decades there has been a shift in the role of the father. Dr Gaffney says the changes are significant:
"Researchers now say that the father relationship is the most rapidly changing relationship in the family constellation – even in history."
These changes have resulted in a greater involvement of Dads in the care of their children, she says:
"Fathers, particularly in the last 30 years, are much more involved in childcare. They do many more childcare tasks, different types from previous fathers would have done."
Even as caring roles overlap among parents, fathers also offer something that is unique to them, Maureen says:
"Fathers are not mother number two".
Dr Gaffney went on to elaborate on aspects of the father's role which makes it distinct. She says being a Dad usually revolves around three things:
"It revolves around their connection they have with the child, the quality of the relationship they have with the child; it revolves around how they handle competitiveness, with the child and it revolves around their role as a teacher – how to make the child competent. These are the three dimensions, the things that preoccupy fathers."
In some cases, the relationship between father and child can be characterised by emotional distance. This is not the case with every Dad, Dr Gaffney says; but if emotional distance is present, it's more likely to affect the father-son relationship, as she explains:
"I think it’s because for boys and for men, their own autonomy is very important and they are reluctant to interfere too much with someone else’s autonomy. They kind of feel 'I’ll let the kid figure it out for himself’. It’s often very benign but it’s often misinterpreted by the child as the father not caring about him. All of these issues are far more intense in the father-son relationship."
The tension can be raised, for example when a father takes on a teaching role with his son, where the Dad gets exasperated if the son wants to do it in his own way. Dr Gaffney says Dads take the role of guiding their sons very seriously:
"They feel a responsibility to teach their boys how to handle themselves, how to be competent. They are trying to get them ready for the wider world."
Maureen says teenage boys may be conflicted about being 'schooled' by their Dads. They want to spend time with them but at the same time they may not appreciate the advice until many years later. The Dad is thinking of the bigger picture, Maureen says:
"What he is doing is extending the boy's sense of himself right into the future. He’s trying to as it were, get him to think about his path – what impact will the world have on him, what impact will he have on the world."
One of the most positive things for the father-son relationship is sharing an activity that they both enjoy. It might be a sporting event, going to the gym or for a walk or having a coffee together; as long as it's part of the regular routine. Maureen says that regular time together provides an opportunity for the child or teenager to open up to the Dad if need be:
"They may not open up about it until you’re driving them somewhere. And then, they’re kind of separate from you and they are looking out the window; so that they don’t have to make eye-contact. It’s not too intense. And then they’ll often open up about things."
As time goes by, the father-son relationship develops and where there was conflict in the past, there can be a mellowing of attitudes on both sides. mellows. Maureen says that when sons have their own children, they often come to a new understanding of their fathers and vice versa. Sometimes the older dad is ready to admit to some of his mistakes; now that they are both fathers:
"if you give them that leeway, they’re readier to open up about how often sometimes they wish they had done it otherwise. I think a lot of fathers really regret the amount of time they spent at work and how preoccupied they were by work and they try to explain to you ‘But I had no choice and I was doing it for ye,’ and all of that. It opens up a sort of a space for understanding and forgiveness."
The father-son relationship continues to deepen and develop and the mutual love and affection fathers and sons have for each other can become more obvious with time, Dr Gaffney says:
"I think then a relationship can transform itself and there’s a warmth there, that is great then as your father gets older and gets more frail that you become a huge resource to him – his eyes light up; especially if he’s not in good health when you come in. And of course he loves his grandchildren, but he loves you too."
Maureen talks more about what it means to be a Dad, and shares her insights into the father-daughter relationship in the full interview with Brendan here.