Sibling rivalry and bickering is part and parcel of family life. But what do you do if you fear it’s becoming something more serious? GP and mental health specialist, Dr Harry Barry and Psychotherapist Enda Murphy joined Sean O’Rourke in studio to talk about the issue of sibling bullying.
When does normal sibling rivalry cross the line? Dr Barry says he sees this issue a lot in his clinic, especially the effects that have lasted into adulthood.
“When this becomes bullying is when it becomes either much more physical or, in particular, much more emotional. Where the person tries to kind of demean, downplay…separate the person from their parents…this hidden wall of silence is going on where one sibling is definitely picking another sibling and trying to isolate within the family unit.“
Enda said that in his work as a psychotherapist the topic of sibling bullying isn't usually what people come to him to discuss but “it comes out in the wash” that this may be affecting their perception of themselves.
“We internalise it and our emotional brain becomes what we call the ‘pathological critic’. So, after a while, you don’t need a bully to put you down. You will start doing it yourself. And that develops a life of its own…Parents, quite often, they don’t realise the significance of it, they don’t know what to do about it…the typical Irish way is we just ignore it and we hope it will go away.”
Dr Barry warned against the “more subtle” type of bullying that can occur, as opposed to the “rough and tumble” treatment common amongst siblings. He calls it a “gradual demeaning” of the victim.
“In so many families, one particular person is managing to make sure that the others are always stacking up against the victim…they grow into it…Unless it’s challenged somewhere along the critical stage, the behaviour becomes embedded.“
One listener texted the show looking for advice. He said that his 63-year-old brother “controls and bullies” him and he is unsure what to do about it. Dr Barry urged him to see that things can change.
“You do not have to spend the rest of your life being bullied and intimidated in terms of behaviour. So, if the behaviour is going on for that length of time it’s probably extremely difficult to change that situation…Personally, I would always advise challenging the behaviour, saying ‘I love you to bits, you're my brother. But this behaviour has gone on for too long.’.”
Enda recommends changing how we respond to bullying, not meeting aggression with aggression.
“If you continually keep responding in a like-minded way, that creates a smokescreen. So, everyone just says, ‘Oh, well you're just behaving the same way as they are.’ But if you keep back, you don't get into the ring…you keep the broken record going and you keep exposing what their behaviour actually is.“
Listen back to the whole segment on Today with Sean O’Rourke here.