When Roslyn Dee's husband died, she was desolate. Now, five years later, the writer and journalist is speaking publicly about her experience of grief and loss. Roslyn shared her memories and her future plans on Today with Sarah McInerney.

Roslyn’s husband of 20 years, Gerry, died in 2015; 13 months after being diagnosed with lung cancer. Not knowing how much time they would have together, they made the most of it:

"It sounds mad, but we had a good time in those 13 months, because he responded well to treatment. So we had periods of time when he was very well. We always had travelled, we had travelled the world together. We continued to travel."

Their time together came to an end sooner than they expected, or wanted. Roslyn spent every moment of the final week with Gerry in St Vincent's Hospital. He passed away in the early hours of the 22nd of June and shortly afterwards, Roslyn says she found herself alone on the roof:

"I left the room and I climbed the 8 floors to the top of the stairwell in St. Vincent’s and just looked out over the city. It was a strange numbness. It was kind of a weird light: Was it day? Was it night? It was hard to tell."

Roslyn says she was overcome:

"The sense of loss was so overwhelming and overpowering. I felt my life was over."

Ignoring her sister's reservations, Roslyn left for a solo trip to Venice four days after her husband's funeral:

"It was the absolute best thing I could have done. Because I had a real sense of him there, and I just needed to process, I suppose. I cried a lot. You know, I was obviously desolate, but I could kind of see him on the corners with the camera slung round his shoulder and the cigar between his fingers."

While there was huge support from family and work colleagues, but Roslyn says grieving is lonely:

"People have their lives; they get on with their lives. They have to, as they should. I was desperately lonely. People don't talk about the loneliness."

As well as the support she needed, Roslyn had some less welcome contributions; like the "at least" sentiments inflicted on her by well-meaning people in the wake of Gerry's death:

"'At least he didn't lose his moustache.' 'At least he saw his baby grandson.'  'At least you got to Venice for the last Christmas.' I mean, it really is cold comfort."

Roslyn says that she has learned that processing loss takes many forms:

"Everybody grieves in their own way. I thought it was the same for everybody, but it's not."

Roslyn has made many changes in her life in the past five years, but she doesn't go along with the idea that time heals everything:

"I don't think that time heals. My loss today is as great as it was that morning when I climbed those stairs in the hospital. I still miss Gerry every hour of every day. But my grief, it doesn't define me anymore."

Sarah asked Roslyn what she would say to someone anticipating the loss of a loved one; is it something to be afraid of? Roslyn takes a beat before answering:

"You've no option. You have to face it in whatever way you can. I think that just make sure you have support. But that's a good question Sarah, is it something to be afraid of? I think when you're grieving; the loss is so great that you're not fearful for anything for yourself. You don't care about yourself, that's the only way I could describe it to you. I didn't care what happened to me. I was totally focussed on my loss of Gerry. My life didn't matter. You have to realise that's actually wrong. Your life does matter."

A summary can't do justice to the gorgeous sketches of a 20-year love story and the depth of emotion expressed by Roslyn on her grief at the loss of her husband Gerry. There's so much more in Sarah's full interview with Roslyn which you can listen back to here.

Ruth Kennedy