You know you are in trouble when the first thing you see in the Merrie Olde England section of your friendly local theme park is a Mexican cantina.
It is one of the indications that, 27 years after it opened, England’s best theme park still isn’t sure what it wants to be. Maybe it doesn’t have to. At Alton Towers the thrills are up to expectations; that initial thrill we all felt when we first rode the park's first roller coaster, the Corkscrew, back in the 1980s and eccentric owner John Broome declared to an incredulous audience that the inland leisure park is here to stay.
At first it seemed Alton Towers wanted to be a Blackpool without buckets. Then in the 1990s it decided that maybe it wanted to be Disney, with an increasing emphasis on teenage thrills headlined by the opening of Nemesis in 1994.
Things have got even more teenagery and thrillseekery in the meantime. The current favourites are Oblivion, which drops you into a steamy dark pit (the publicity claimed it was 'the world’s first vertical roller-coaster'), Rita, with its initial burst of speed, and Air, a speedy roller coaster you experience with your arms and legs outstretched.
But there was always a sense that Alton Towers had much more to offer and was perhaps ignoring its finest features. Grannies knew it all along. While the kiddies chased their thrills, there were splendid gardens to walk through, some of the finest you will find within a few hours of the ferry.
An example: at the end of the second loop and half turn on Nemesis you are propelled over a cool brook cascading through the hillside, a feature of Lady Shrewsbury’s gardens from 200 years ago.
While Alton Towers tried to move up from the English Premiership to the Champions League, a hierarchy disputed by Portaventura, Efteling, Legoland, Parc Asterix and Disney’s Paris franchise. Alton Towers had a big advantage over the others, but it was using that advantage as a prop, rather than as an attraction in itself.
The estate is a product of big house England from the 150 years or so when the small island was one of the major world powers.
Alton Towers is an original name, not something thought up at a meeting in the brand manager’s office. The ruined towers will be familiar to Irish visitors, designed by the same architect who designed Maynooth College’s chapel, Loreto Abbey, in Rathfarnham, Lismore Castle and Adare Manor, venue for this year’s Irish Golf Open.
The family name, Talbot, will also be familiar from the branches of the family that settled in Westmeath and Wexford in the 14th century and the Talbots who came to run the colonial administration in Dublin, notable the man who was Jonathan Swift’s own nemesis in the run-up to 1714.
Where there are Talbots, there are tall tales to tell, and Alton Towers has done something quite unique. It has taken the ruins of its own house to retell a sort of a ghost story, a convoluted tale about a hag’s curse, a fallen branch of an oak tree and a death in the family.
Hex is not sure whether it wants to do history, folklore or a rocking room roller-coaster, but as you leave the experience you can’t help but realise that Alton Towers may have found its biggest attraction by accident.
During its latest refurbishment, it has turned another walkway into a ghost tale, not much by today’s high-tech standards, but all the more eerie for that. The gardens, the old house, the babbling streams along the rocky hillwalks are glorious backdrops for the roller-coasters, but have an attraction of themselves the owners might have under-estimated, especially as we become familiar with the theme parks of Europe and the theme-park trap of Orlando, 95 within a 20 mile radius, 12 big ones including four in the Disney complex.
And some good news for littlies. After a decade of ramping up the thrills, the attention at Alton Towers has turned back to families. They do the three children ticket so many forget about. Admission is pricey enough at €52, but booking online can save a packet and the Irish know better than most how to book online.
Two onsite hotels and a water park have enhanced the experience. Weekends in the hotels give on site access with a few hours in the morning without having to queue, and the best ride in the park is a pre-teen attraction. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory manages to do something difficult, take on both the Willie Wonka and Johnny Depp versions of the Roald Dahl story and bring something of the original to life.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the bath flume have the longest queues in the park, which says something about no matter how much tastes change, the ride for the littlies are here to stay.
Alton Towers is one of the best regional theme parks and the one easiest to access from Ireland. It might be a few oak branches short of the Champions League but that might be changing.
• See www.altontowers.com www.visitheartofengland.com and www.visitbritain.ie
• Alton Towers is open until 11 November 2007 and from around St Patrick’s Day each season. Gates open at 9.30am. Rides and attractions open at 10am. Closing times vary throughout the season. Adult tickets £32 (event ticket £34, discounted online ticket £24) Child £22 (event ticket £23, online ticket £16) Family (two adults, two children) £89 (event £95, online £78) Family (two adults, three children) £99 (event ticket £105, online ticket £88) Under fours' free.
