The opening of Ireland’s first Krispy Kreme outlet in Blanchardstown two weeks ago has triggered a meltdown almost as horrifying as if the glaze machine broke down.
The manic need of the people to get their hands on as many boxes of donuts as they could carry led to noise complaints from locals near the store and a shift in Krispy Kreme’s business model, from being a 24-hour eatery to opening from 6:30am to 11:30pm. This is why we can’t have nice things, people.
The panic could have been caused by years of deprivation of America’s sweetest and most exalted doughnut product, but maybe it was sugar induced? Maybe it’s the pastry version of an ouroboros, a crazed snake eating its own tail as well as three dozen donuts and then demanding more?
This is an actual photo of the queue for a newly opened Krispy Kreme drive through in Dublin....at 0230, people of Ireland I am disappointed pic.twitter.com/vTv5R1RTYD
— Andy Monks (@AndythePandy_) October 2, 2018
Data from Calorie Lab shows just how much bad those heavenly puffs of dough can do when you eat too many. Thankfully, our beloved Original Glazed doughnuts are the best of the lot, which makes us feel better.
Original Glazed - 200 calories
Glazed Cinnamon - 210 calories
Chocolate Iced Glazed - 260 calories
Glazed Lemon Filled - 270 calories
Chocolate Custard Filled - 310 calories
New York Cheesecake - 320 calories
Glazed Kreme Filled - 340 calories
Caramel Kreme Crunch - 350 calories
Chocolate Iced Kreme Filled - 350 calories
Cookies and Kreme - 400 calories
Don’t be fooled by thinking the doughnuts are the worst offenders - Krispy Kreme’s Frozen Blends, mixed drinks beloved by teens the world over, are actually worse for you than the doughy delights.
Frozen Original Kreme Blend (with coffee) - 16oz - 600 calories
Frozen Double Chocolate Blend (with coffee) - 16oz - 600 calories
Frozen Latte Blend - 160z - 610 calories
You’d be fooled into thinking the Irish people had never seen a doughnut, cursed as we were to watching in anguish as Homer Simpson downed another dozen week after week. Despite our rabid panic and frenzied race to get as many Krispy Kreme doughnuts as we could, doughnuts are well and truly ingrained in Irish foodie culture.
Since roughly 2015, Dublin has swelled like pastry in a deep fat fryer with doughnut shops. Aungier Danger is frequently credited with spurring the national appetite for doughnuts, offering mega sized confections with quirky names and Instagrammable sweet accents.
They certainly exposed us to an American style of doughnut we’d not seen since Dunkin’ Donuts (yes, there was a DD before KK) left the country in the 90s, but we’ve always had doughnuts, and I’d even argue we have some of the best in the world.
Yes, I’m talking about The Rolling Donut kiosk on O’Connell St.
Since 1978, The Rolling Donut has dished out sumptuous morsels of dough, serving up hot comfort to generations of Irish people. When they expanded to a shop on Bachelor’s Walk in 2015, it signalled a new era for Dublin snacks.
Since then, countless doughnut shops have opened with Americanised marketing gimmicks, hipster-friendly flavours and always an Instagrammable moment. It’s the point where nostalgia - be it for that summer you worked in the US and lived on doughnuts or for the Sundays you spent watching the Simpsons, longing for a pink doughnut with sprinkles - meets with new food culture.
That said, all the pretty glazes in the world won’t stop them being decadent desserts at the end of the day. While we all want a slice of that American way of living, even still, there’s a cautionary tale in here.
Recent surveys have shown that 202 million Americans ate doughnuts last year, with the average American eating 31 doughnuts a year, bought from one of 25,000 doughnut shops in the US, pumping out a staggering one billion doughnuts a year.
With so many in circulation, it’s unsurprising that they’ve become a breakfast food, a staple at many American meetings and, now, even here. Think about starting your day, every day, with a doughnut: that means before she steps out the door, a woman would have consumed a quarter of her daily calorie intake already, and a man one sixth.
They’re small, delicious and - in the case of Krispy Kreme - light as air, for sure, but don’t underestimate how unhealthy these puffs of heaven are. Food being pumped out before your eyes on a conveyor belt might seem irresistible, but leave the gluttonous doughnut eating to Homer Simpson.
