Jacqueline Croker (18), from Kilmore West, was a kind and selfless young woman who worked hard to support her beloved family. She lived for music, enjoyed having a drink with her dear Dad, and dreamed of a bright future with her fiancé, John.
Introduction
Jacqueline was born two years after my mam and dad got married. Two years after Jacqueline was born, my parents lost a child called Christopher who died one hour after being born. Three years after this my parents lost another child called Denise six months after she was born, who died from pneumonia. I was born two years after Denise, and our brother Alan was born five years later.
Background
I was 12 when Jackie died. Jackie was seven years older than me, and we shared a bedroom. We would put records on while she was getting dressed and ready to go out. Jackie loved listening to records by Dolly Parton, Johnny Logan, John Lennon and Diana Ross on her portable record player. Every Friday Jackie would buy the Top of the Pops LP from Golden Discs with her wages as a treat for us.
Our bedroom was to the left of the landing, and our brother Alan's bedroom was to the right. We would have the record player playing on the landing and would go to bed listening to the music. I remember we loved a Disney Christmas album and would play that most nights.
Jackie never took a serious photograph. Jackie always had a heart of gold and would have done anything for anyone. I remember Jackie would tell mam "Don't be so hard on Alison!".
Jacqueline was working in Roches stores for a time. Jackie worked from when she was 15 years old to contribute to the house. Dad always got his wages on a Thursday and kept it in a separate wallet from my mam’s house money which would cover the shopping for the family on Friday at Northside shopping centre and at Moore street on Saturday for our vegetables. From this separate wallet came bus money for school and Alan and my "subs" money for Scouts. If my brother and I wanted to do any other activity, we would have to cycle or walk to school and save our bus money.
Times were very hard financially for working class families and Jackie’s help was of immense importance and support to our family.
She'd been eyeing up a pair of knee-high platform boots which were really expensive at the time. With the little money that she kept for herself from her wage packet, she saved up 3-4 months to buy herself these boots. By the time she had got the money together, she went into the shop to buy them, but they were no longer available in her size. Instead, she took the money and dressed myself and my brother Alan from head to toe for our holiday in Bettystown where we would spend a week in a caravan.
We have good memories from Bettystown from when Jackie was still here. I remember mam once forgot her keys to the suitcase in the car, but Alan wanted to go swimming as soon as we arrived. So, Jackie took him in his red shorts, Mickey Mouse t-shirt and brown leather sandals to the beach. Mam came up over the sand dunes with his togs once she found a way to open the suitcase, only to see him in his clothes already in the water with Jackie chasing after him.
Jackie bought my brother Alan's communion suit, which was to take place on the 26th of May that year, and my confirmation dress , which was to take place on April 4th, so our mam didn’t have to worry. I remember what it was like being dressed in the confirmation dress my sister had bought me after she had died.
My dad idolised Jacqueline. Dad and Jackie used to spend lots of time together because they would work together and even go drinking together. When my dad fell painting a boat in the drydocks one January of 1981, he had to have 186 stitches in his leg after the 35-foot fall. Jacqueline worked in the office of the place where dad worked, so was able to take the time off to go with him to all of his medical appointments. She was a great support to him during that time of vulnerability.
Jackie was engaged to John at Christmas and John drove the ghost bus. Jackie was on the darts team for Chivers jam factory. John’s mam worked in the factory.
Stardust Fire
John, Jackie’s fiancé, went home early that night because he was driving the bus that morning. Jackie got a lift to the Stardust with Pat to see the dancing competition.
My dad had to get up early for work, so he heard the World News at 05.05am which reported that there had been a fire at the Stardust. He went next door to see John and Bella, but Tracy wasn't home from the Stardust yet (though she had thankfully survived the fire). There were 16 houses on one side of our road alone from which young people had been at the Stardust that night.
The night of the Stardust, my mam and dad knew that she had worn her white coat to go out but they did not know what she was wearing underneath her coat. I was woken up at 0700 o`clock by Mr McGregor asking me what other clothes Jackie had been wearing to try and identify her at the morgue. I remember when he woke me up, he told me that there was a fire but I felt disoriented in shock, in horror, and in disbelief.
I remember that we had no phone, so we had to go next door to Shirley, Tracy and Paul McGregor to use their phone. They were also in the Stardust that night.
I remember there being one photo in the newspapers of John telling my dad not to go into the morgue. My dad did go into the morgue with Tommy fuller and Vincent O’Shea. I remember also there was news footage taken of me in the neighbours’ garden playing hopscotch at the time, not realising the severity of what was happening around me because of my age. My dad came home from the morgue, and I was called into the neighbours kitchen and told that Jackie had died. I had to sleep at our neighbours, the O’Sheas, for the next two days. I think they were trying to shield me from what was happening until Monday evening when I was allowed to come home.
I remember I was sat in the neighbours’ garden when I saw Charlie Haughey come into the house with his staff because he’d known my dad, who was a peace commissioner for FF. My dad was a 6’4" 23-stone docker who picked Charlie up and put him out of the house.
We were lucky that she was the second identified on the Saturday.
Since then
Jimmy and Kay Dunn were my godparents. They rung to speak to my mother, who was too upset to talk on the phone and asked that I take a message. They were persistent in asking to speak to my mother but then had to give me the message, that Liam was dead after having been in intensive care for almost a month.
It’s not as simple as just one person being lost to our family. Everyone knew everyone in our community and each loss was felt by the community as well as the families.
Living at home after the Stardust fire, you wouldn't be able to get onto a bus without seeing someone either with visible scarring from a burn sustained that night at the Stardust or someone known to you who had lost someone in the fire. Nobody ever spoke about it with each other in the community because you would have no idea how the other person would react to something so emotional and affecting. It felt like everybody was left on their own and so had to deal with the grief by putting it under the rug and just forcing yourself to carry on with life.
On Tuesday, there were four coffins laid out in the church. One was that of Julie McDonnell, who was my football coach. One was of Caroline Carey, whom I knew from Irish dancing. One was Michael Griffiths, whom I knew from Superquinn. One was our Jackie.
I had to be taken out of the church and brought home to be sedated. I didn't get to go to the funeral because of my horrendous state of upset at the sight of those coffins.
The family was very affected by Jacqueline’s death. My father is a gentle giant who loves his children so much that he was wounded by losing her after two other babies. I think that because he loved us so much, he was terrified of being hurt again if anything were to happen to myself or my brother and I think this is why he pushed us away after this happened. He relied on alcohol to help him cope with the loss he’d faced, which was only to be expected, but it would cause clashes between myself and my dad.
My dad was diagnosed with cancer 16 years ago. He died in July, and I got married within 18 months of that date. I had refused to get married while my dad was alive because I thought we would have clashed on the day, but now that he is gone, I feel very guilty that I denied him the experience of walking his only living daughter down the aisle on her wedding day.
My brother Alan never showed any emotion over Jackie's death because he was only seven when it happened. We all had to go through it with him two years later to enable him to grieve properly over her death. My brother Alan says that he remembers the aftereffects of losing Jackie better than he remembers Jackie herself.
At the time of the Stardust, there was a Lord Mayor's Trust Fund from the people of Ireland set up for the families of the Stardust. They gave £18,000 to my mother only and made myself and my brother sign a non-disclosure agreement and all sorts of other forms at 14, Alan was 9. We weren’t allowed to go to Court.
Mam built the extension on the back of the house, which is what Jacqueline always wanted. Mam tried to run a normal life for us all. Dad was a bit too afraid of getting too close to the memory of Jackie and losing her to allow himself to return properly to the way he was. He would wake up at 0620 to get the bus at 0720 for work and have pints on the way home before arriving at 2100 when he would fall asleep in the chair.
Mam never showed much emotion, she relied on me because my dad would be away at work and I was forced to grow up. My mam could not read or write so I would have to read the bills for her as they came through the door. After Jackie's death, my mam and dad couldn't afford to keep me in school, so I had to work in the "rag trade" from when I was 15 to contribute to the household. I never got to complete my leaving cert. In my first job, I earned £50 a week and 40 pounds of that went to my mam.
My mam was robbed of her best friend when she lost Jackie. Mam didn't go out drinking and she wouldn't have played the bingo, so she in a way she lived her life through her children. Mam was so close to Jackie. Myself and mam have such a nice bond and I know that Jackie would have had that too if she were still here. Mam has been living with me these past 14 years and held me together when my daughter Heather was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. My mam would help look after my other daughter Shannon while I was going to and from appointments with Heather during this time.
Every year at the anniversary, there will be a few pages in the evening herald paying respects to the Stardust victims. Seven years after it happened my mam didn't put Jackie in the paper because she was trying so desperately to move on. We felt frowned upon after doing this, but holding onto this nightmare was too damaging for us to handle.
Seven or eight years later I moved to England. This was really hard on my mam and dad. I went to live in Blackpool but came home that year for Christmas for two weeks and saw that they missed me, so I never went back. After going through so much trauma from losing children in our family, us staying close together felt like the most important thing to protect.
My kids were robbed of an aunt and my brother’s girls were as well. We wouldn't have got a look in and I can imagine our kids saying to us "I’m ringing aunt Jackie on you!". I can tell from watching my kids with their dad’s family what it would have been like to see them with our Jackie. I know that Jackie would have been the first one to call them on the phone on Christmas morning.
Conclusion
My husband Mark has an uncle called Vincent who used to work with Jackie. I was told that when I first met him, he was shocked and told Mark that seeing me was like seeing a ghost. He said it was like seeing Jackie. This was almost 20 years after her death.
I can't ever put what happened to the back of my mind, even if I want to. I still look at fire exits obsessively. I remember once being in a restaurant and walking out when I saw that the table was blocking the fire exit. My kids have to let me know if their plans change and have to ring me from their friends’ house when they arrive. They also have to keep their location on on Snapchat. They say I stalk them.
My sister Jackie just went out to play darts and then decided to go to the Stardust to see how Paula was doing with the rest of her friends and she died.
Mam sometimes has a bad day. She is almost 91 now and I'd love to be able to bring her some kind of closure for her.
