Helena Mangan (22), from Coolock, cherished her role as mother to 4-year-old Samantha. Known for her kindness, strength, and love.
Introduction
Helena was a daughter, sister, mother, friend, niece, and aunt. Helena was one of six children to Francis and Josephine Mangan and was the second eldest child. Helena was only 22 years of age when she was killed in the Stardust disaster. I am Helena's daughter, Samantha, and I was only 4½ years old when she was tragically taken away from me.
My life at age four and a half went from living and being in a home full of happiness, love, fun, and laughter, to living in the saddest and quietest house, with this horrible tension sense of despair all around. My family was left broken, devastated, and destroyed. My family was left so broken they could barely mention her name.
Background
Helena was 4ft 10 in height with a beautiful petite figure, brown hair and the most amazing blue eyes you have ever seen. Her favourite colours were purple and green, and she loved Rod Stewart and 70’s music and loved to dance. She didn’t wear much make-up, just a little mascara, but on very special occasions she would wear a little lip stick too.
She loved Christmas it was her favourite time of year, and her favourite flowers were red carnations.
Helena was kind, caring, loving, brave, and strong but could be quite stubborn at times with a funny, dry sense of humour.
Helena had her whole life ahead of her and she had so many plans for her future. Helena was just starting to get her life together at 22. You see, Helena had become a mother at the age of 17 and back in 1976, it wasn’t easy for a single mother. Single mothers were frowned upon back then. But she was brave, and she held her head up high as she walked up the streets pushing me in the pram. Because she was proud to be my Mammy and I am very proud to be her daughter.
Helena also had great support from her parents, even though they were worried at the prospect of their daughter being a mother at such a young age. They stood by her and let her stay in the family home to raise her daughter. Helena became like a second Mam around the house to her other siblings as well as being their big sister. She was that person that you go to if you needed help, advice, or were in trouble. She was would always be there for you.
Helena loved to bake and was very good at it and there was always a lovely smell of freshly baked cakes in the house when she was there. Helena was also a great seamstress; I am so lucky to still have a blue dress she made for me when I was a baby. It was so professionally made. She could also crochet and would crochet blankets for me. She would also teach her sisters and friends to crochet and sew too. Helena loved to go into town on Saturdays with her Mam and sisters. When they would go shopping Helena loved to treat her sisters and especially her Mam. If she knew her Mam liked a top or dress and she couldn’t afford it, Helena would go and buy it for her. Helena and her Mam were the best of friends. Helena loved style and was always in the latest fashion. Helena would put a little bit of money aside every week so that she could have the latest new top or skirt. Not only for her but for me too.
Helena loved to dance and loved her music. One of her favourite songs was 'Maggie May’ by Rod Stewart and she also loved ‘Loving You’ by Minnie Riperton - she would sing it to me every night to put me asleep. Helena loved music so much she taught herself to play the guitar and she was pretty good at it too, but her singing was not so good even though I always thought she sung beautifully when she sang me to sleep.
Helena took her role as a mother very seriously and didn’t like it when her Mam tried to take over because she was my Mammy, and it was her job to take care and look after me. Even though her Mam was just trying to help or give her a little break, but to her, it was her job and not my Nanny’s. Helena was looking forward to the day that we became more than mother and daughter; she was looking forward to us becoming the best of friends too, but she never got that chance, we never got that chance.
Helena only managed to have one foreign holiday in her life and that was to Spain (Benidorm) the year before she died, but she was planning more. She wanted to bring me on the next holiday as this holiday was her first girlie holiday. While she was in Spain, she got to hold a monkey and it sat on her lap and there was a picture taken, which I still have and treasure as it is one of the few photos she is smiling in as she didn’t smile much because she had braces and didn’t want anybody to see them. In this photo, she has no braces and has the biggest most beautiful smile.
In 1980 Helena had landed her first job, in Cadbury’s, and she was really enjoying it, making new friends, having her own money and being able to provide a better life for us both. This was to be the start of a better life for us. Helena wanted to get her own home and wanted to see more of the world too. She would’ve had more children too, and I could have been a big sister. Helena had also found love again in her life with John Stout, but sadly he too was killed in the Stardust disaster.
Helena’s brother Brendan and sister Valerie have said the following about their big sister.
(Brendan)
Her brother Brendan has said: "I was only 9 years old when Helena died. I remember her as the kindest most beautiful person I’ve ever known. I remember when she went on her first holiday to Spain it was so exciting, she was going on a plane and she brought me back a remote-control bike. It was the best present I ever got. Helena loved music and played the guitar beautifully and it’s because of her that I, too, love and play the guitar. When I think back, it was only later in life, long after she was gone, that I realised how young she was when she had her daughter Samantha, and how courageous she was in taking care of her as a single mother and looking after me and the rest of the family. A true rock. I miss her every day."
(Valerie)
Her sister Valerie has said: "Helena was a daughter, sister, mother and friend. Helena was a lovely and kind-hearted person. She was generous, and I don’t mean with material things, but with her time and love. Helena was hard working, as she had her daughter to provide for.
Helena was one of my two older sisters. She went out one night and never came home. This left a very big hole in my heart and life. I always knew I could depend on her for anything big or small, it didn’t matter what: she was always there with a smile and common sense.
As a big sister, Helena did what big sisters do. She taught me how to knit, use a needle and thread and as I got older, she showed me how to use the sewing machine. Helena helped me to bake and with her guidance I got better, but not as good as her.
Helena was not just my sister; she was my world. I can’t put into words how much I miss her every day. It hurts just to think about her."
The Stardust Fire
On the 13th of February 1981 I watched my Mam get ready for a night of friendship, fun, dance and romance. I could not have imagined it would be the last time I’d watch as she blow-dried her hair, so soft and shiny, put on her nail varnish and her best clothes. Or that it would be the last time I’d smell her smell, or hug and kiss her good night. If I had known, I would have never let her go. Before my mammy left that night, she me a big kiss and hug and told me to be good girl and go to sleep and, in the morning, we would go to town.
On the 14 of February 1981, I woke up and I climbed up to the top bunk of our bed to get in beside my Mammy for a kiss and a cuddle. But when I got up to her bed she was not there. Her bed wasn’t even slept in. As I made my way down the stairs looking for her, I could sense something was wrong. I couldn’t find my Mammy anywhere and there were sounds of crying and I didn’t know why.
I waited and waited for my Mammy to come home. I sat on the stairs looking at all the people coming in and out of the house for days. But she never came home. Just sitting there waiting and wondering where she’s gone, because my mammy would never leave me, as I was her world, and she was mine.
I don’t remember much about her funeral except standing at her graveside holding my grandad’s hand and staring at all the people around me. There were hundreds and hundreds of people everywhere I looked.
Since then
Life has been so hard without my Mammy. She was my whole world, my everything. I miss her so much that a part of me is broken never to be fixed, never having her to hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright because she is here for me always.
1981 was the year I was to start my big adventure in the world, I was to start school. I was going to be a big girl, my Mammy told me. She told me not to worry that I would make new friends and that she would be there for me on my first day at school and be there when I came home. But on my first day she was not there. As I sat on the Teacher’s table, looking at the other girls crying because they didn’t want their Mammies to leave them, I sat there praying my mammy was going to burst through the door saying I’m here, I’m here, and give me a hug and a kiss and tell me how brave I was for not crying and for waiting patiently for her. But she never did.
As the weeks, and months and years went by, I would pretend that she was still alive, that she had lost her memory and had gotten out of the fire and had just wandered off, that she’d got on buses and trains and is traveling the country until she remembers who she is. And when she does, she will come home and I will run into her arms and it will be like she was never gone. But that never happened.
As the years went by, I still hoped that she’d come back. Every year on my birthday, as I blew out the candles on my cake, I would wish so hard for her to come through the door. At Christmas, I wished Santy would bring her back, but he never did.
I wished she’d turn up for all those special occasions that were coming up in my life like my Communion, Confirmation, and my wedding. But still, she never returned, but I still prayed and hoped that she would one day.
Throughout my teenage years, I began scanning the streets as I walked through crowds, trying to pick her out. Because I thought that my Mammy’s memory hadn’t returned, I would recognise her in the street, and I would remind her of who she is she’ll remember and come home. When I heard someone call a person with the same name as her, I’d turn around in hope to see if it was my Mammy, Helena.
But it never was.
When I was planning my wedding, I really wished she could be there with me to organise venue, flowers etc and come dress shopping and walk me down the aisle. I would have given anything to have her walk me down the aisle and give me away and tell me how proud she was of me. I wanted her there so much I got married on her 50th birthday in the hope she’d turn up and celebrate her big day too.
Helena has five beautiful grandchildren which she never got to see and cuddle and hold. When I had my children, I really could have done with her being here to help me through motherhood and especially when I lost my first baby on her birthday. To not have her there to hug me tight and tell me everything is going to be alright, never to have your Mammy to tell you she’s proud of you and never to feel that unconditional love that only a Mammy can give to make you loved and safe. It’s been so hard for me to never hear or feel that proudness from my Mammy and that love again ever in my life. I so wish she could have been there to guide me in the right directions in my life. I miss her so much that I feel there is a huge piece of me missing.
Conclusion
On 12th February 2019, I read her Coroner’s Report for the first time, as I felt I was strong enough and needed to know more of how see died. I always expected to read that her body was burnt but I wasn’t prepared to read that parts were missing. There was no mention as to where her missing parts were. This threw me into a dark place a place I was never expecting to go, a place I’m still trying to crawl out of. I really thought I was strong, but it broke me to read about how bad my Mammy’s body was and that she was buried incomplete.
Now I need answers, to what happened to my Mammy and why she never came home, so that I can try to move on and be a better Mammy to my own children because my children deserve to have the best mammy. I want them to have the mammy that I have only ever dreamed of.
As I stand here, you see a 46-year-old woman but, to me, I’m a 4 ½ year old child trapped in this old body, a child that never had the answers to what happened to her Mammy that night. Stuck in time on the inside while aging on the outside, always wondering why that fire started and why nobody was made accountable for her death. Why hasn’t there been any justice for her and 47 other children? I just want to know what happened that night and why my Mammy never came home.
