The unoriginal title is about as subtle as the jokes get in 'Vampires Suck'. Writer-directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the duo behind 'Date Movie', 'Epic Movie' and 'Disaster Movie', have come up with another boring and useless parody. In their parallel universe of imitating other people's movies, this spoof is based on moments from the first two 'Twilight' films ('Twilight' and 'The Twilight Saga: New Moon').
The directors use the same moody aerial shots, slow-motion techniques and teenage angst - in essence the same everything from the original 'Twilight' - making one wonder why they even bothered in the first place.
Bella is now Becca (Proske); Edward Cullen becomes Edward Sullen (Lanter) and Jacob Black is replaced by Jacob White (Riggi). If this doesn't insult your intelligence enough, then they have stretched their imaginations a smidgen further by calling the Washington town of Forks, 'Sporks'.
Many of the 'gags' are too obvious to even provide an ounce of comedy value. Most involve people getting punched in the face or pop-culture digs at Chris Brown, Lady Gaga, The Kardashians, 'Jersey Shore' and the Jonas Brothers. Among the other misses is a clichéd scene where Jacob sports an unusual number of nipples, before stripping off his shirt with his wolf pack and dancing to 'It's Raining Men'.
The only thing remotely positive about 'Vampires Suck' is Jenn Proske's performance. She imitates Kristen Stewart's mannerisms perfectly - from her nervous, hair-fiddling ways to her crooked little lip-biting. However, Matt Lanter and Chris Riggi as the Edward and Jacob characters fail to find any laughs, and just about pull off a passable physical resemblance.
At 82 minutes, 'Vampires Suck' is so desperate and vacuous that it becomes an endurance test after 30. If the cheap and lame jokes about blow-up sex dolls, constipation, Canadians and a juggling routine involving a bowling ball and a baby don't make you feel anaemic, then the lack of a plot and a somewhat intelligent script are guaranteed to leave you drained.