Directed by Alex De Rakoff, starring Orlando Bloom, Omid Djalili, Rafe Spall, Michael Péna, David Kelly, Ronni Ancona, Billie Piper, Mark Heap and Lyndsey Marshal.

The breathless editing and hyperactive music at the start of 'The Calcium Kid' gives the hope that this British mockumentary is going somewhere - but it's all in vain. The film soon settles into a so-so low-budget wannabe comedy that never really goes anywhere, despite the presence of up-and-coming Hollywood star Orlando Bloom.

Bloom plays the mild-mannered Jimmy Connelly, a naïve milkman and amateur boxer who manages - through a bizarre and unbelievable series of events - to get landed with fighting the world champion middleweight boxer Jose Mendez (Péna). Documentary filmmaker Sebastian Gore Brown (Heap) and his long-suffering cameraman follow Jimmy, now nicknamed The Calcium (sometimes Kalcium) Kid as he is transformed from milkman to professional boxer over the course of a few event-packed days.

The film is crammed full of over-the-top caricatures, from Jimmy's slutty "massage therapist" mother (Ancona) to David Kelly's rote performance as a drunken Irish trainer with eccentric methods and a demented stalker fan (Marshal), but it's still not funny. The mockumentary style - direct-to-camera asides, shaky camerawork - has been used elsewhere to far better effect and 'The Calcium Kid' is no 'Best In Show' or 'A Mighty Wind'.

Fresh from the success of 'The Lord of the Rings' trilogy and last summer's surprisingly good 'Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl', Bloom doesn't enhance his reputation much with this. He's sweet and innocent and very likely to charm his teenage fan club but there's little else here for him - or anyone else.

Good-hearted but instantly forgettable.

Caroline Hennessy