Rapper Professor Green has said he "wanted to go and see" his late father after becoming a dad to his son.
Green, whose real name is Stephen Manderson, said he "used to hate children" and was "scared" of them, before his son, with his partner, actress Karima McAdams, Slimane, was born in 2021.
Speaking about how he felt after the birth, Green, 41, whose father Peter took his own life in 2008, told Jamie Laing's Great Company podcast: "I wanted to go and see my dad, immediately I’m grieving.
"Living in the past, if I think about things that happened then, and I feel the feelings that I felt, by way of those things, I’m in the past, I’m not present, that’s not fair to my son.
"But there was a grieving that took place, and this is the thing with grief, it changes shape, it never disappears, I will forever be sad about my dad having passed.
"And when I got married to Millie (Mackintosh, his ex-wife and former Made In Chelsea star), I looked out, my dad couldn’t be there, that’s awful, it feels horrendous, and not being able to go to my dad, but also having not had him in a way that gave me (an) example of what to do when you’re in a situation."
He added: "We’re walking out the hospital, and the only thing that was required for us to leave the hospital with, this life that we’ve got to protect, care for and look after and nurture, is a car seat for the f****** car, where’s the book?
"But it’s the absence, it was the absence that was difficult, and the absence that had taken place while he was alive, and the absence that was more permanent in his death, and that he couldn’t be there to help or to aid, and I couldn’t talk to him and get a response from him.
"I would love for him to meet my (child), and he’d be a young grandfather."
Laing later asked what the one question he would ask his dad would be if he was in the room, and Green replied: "What was it that hurt so much?"
He continued: "It’s really sad to think that people make a decision that generally affords them some sort of relief, or feigned elation, happiness, control.
"Like I’ve established control over my life again, but what I’m going to do in this moment with the control that I have is end it, because that’s the only way that I can put into what I’m feeling, and it’s awful."
The I Need You Tonight rapper said his father’s suicide had presented "so many questions" that "can’t be answered", and added that "you have to quite quickly let go of that best you can".
Since beginning his career in the 2000s, Green released the EP Pop Shxt in 2023, but has not released a studio album in more than a decade.
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Source: Press Association
