Comedian and radio presenter PJ Gallagher has revealed how depression sent him into a spiral of anxiety that saw him hospitalised earlier this year.
In a frank interview on Friday's Late Late Show, the 47-year-old Dubliner, who co-hosts the morning show on Radio Nova, said, "I can only describe it in the old way of describing it. I had a nervous breakdown.
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"I started having a depressive episode this time last year and I just had this overwhelming anxiety that kept building and building and that went into this chronic depression. I tried to hide it and I became obsessed that I would lose my job."
The Young Offenders actor added, "I was out for a walk one day with my ex-wife and she was asking me how I was and in one moment, the whole world collapsed. I was in the Phoenix Park and I realised I didn’t want to live anymore, I really didn’t want to live anymore. I wanted to die.
"There was this overwhelming feeling that I was in the way. That I was making life harder for everyone around me, that I was failing at everything, disappointing people. I couldn’t go into work. I was going into Nova every morning and apologising.
"I had a moment when I was talking to a psychiatrist after this crisis moment and Aisling my partner was saying I need to do something.
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— PJ Gallagher (@pjgallagher) October 22, 2022
"You tell yourself you have nothing to be afraid of - you have a good job, you have a good family and friends but then you start beating yourself up about that. You can’t even appreciate the good things. I can’t even do that. The desire is to just not exist."
He recalled the morning he hit his lowest ebb and his friend, the writer Stefanie Preissner, came to his rescue.
"Everyone kept telling me I had to go to hospital, but I thought if I went in, I’d never come out. I was thinking crazy stuff. I remember waking up at 4am one morning and thinking this is the day,
"I’m not going to make it through today. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was 4am and there was a message from Stephanie saying I was to call her at any time, there’s no time to early or late.
"So, I called her, and she said get to my house as quick as you can. I met her and she said we’ll get breakfast, and she found a place to get porridge. I was curled in a ball in her car, and I kept saying over and over `I can’t take this anymore’. She put her hand on my shoulder and said, `right now, all your needs are met. Just get through today.’"
He went to hospital that day. "I don’t know what I expected the hospital to be, but it was great. I went in and the first week was tough because I was a still a danger to myself and I thought this was the lowest I could go.
"It was the middle of Covid, they take you up and show you the ward and it was great because this one woman, one of the patients, came up to me straight away and showed me around.
"Then something bizarre started to happen. I got to the stage where I couldn’t feel anything at all and then I got to the stage where I was having the crack."
Asked about his recovery and how he is feeling now, he said, "There was a time when I knew I was getting better but I just couldn't laugh. I couldn't find anything funny.
"I used to stay up late in the hospital with my crew and one of the nurses told me a really bad joke and I laughed for the first time in ages and after that, it sounds bizarre, but I was having a good time!"
He urged anybody who is going through a similar situation to get help. "You need people to fight for you and I was so lucky to have those people. I owe Aisling and Stephanie and Elaine my life. They literally saved my life. Talk, open your mouth. This time last year I was in despair but I'm still here. I've never felt better than I do now."
If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article, please see RTÉ's list of helplines.
