We present an extract from Waterford Whispers News 2025, the new book by Colm Williamson, creator and editor of the popular satrical website.
Ireland, 2025: where a mortgage is required just to buy a coffee. With rents soaring higher than the price of a pint in Temple Bar and the government still trying to figure out where to sit, the year proved as unpredictable as our public transport system. At least we have Waterford Whispers News to keep us entertained. The beloved stocking filler is back, packed with all the biggest stories from 2025, plus a heap of exclusive new content...
DAD FINALLY ACCEPTS THE PRICE OF PETROL
IN WHAT many believed was an impossible turn of events, local dad Terry Bower has reportedly stopped complaining about the price of petrol after a solid decade of near-daily rants, WWN can reveal.Family sources close to the 49-year-old have confirmed the builder has not once mentioned fuel costs in the last eight months, leading them to believe that it’s all over and hopefully everyone can move on with their lives.
‘He couldn’t pass a petrol station without muttering curses and spiralling into a full-blown rage,’ explained his wife, Maggie. ‘Now? He just fills up and gets on with it. We’re honestly a bit concerned.’
Bower’s fuel-related tirades were infamous at family gatherings, often derailing entire events.
‘Once, at a wedding, he had a few drinks and went on a petrol-price bender that lasted two hours. We practically had to sedate him,’ recalled his son, James.
His most notorious episode came during a brief legal incident when, in protest, Bower refused to let a cashier leave until they explained why a global drop in oil prices hadn’t translated to the pump. Applegreen later dropped the charges, but the fallout remains.
‘He’s banned for life now, so ironically we have to drive an extra 10km just to fill up,’ said James.
‘Which, of course, would’ve set him off – if he still cared.’
As the family adjusts to this new, unnervingly calm version of Terry, experts suggest he may have simply crossed the threshold into full-blown resignation, a typical psychological state known in Ireland as ‘ah feck it, sure what can you do’.
SEA SWIMMER NOT GOING TO BOTHER TODAY AS NO ONE THERE TO SEE HIM
CITING the complete absence of witnesses to his heroic suffering, sea-swimming martyr Cian Murphy has decided not to brave the cold Irish waters this morning. However, he will nonetheless grab a golden turmeric oat milk latte in the local café while wearing his Dryrobe.
'Quiet enough now,' the 48-year-old replied when asked by a staff member 'How was it today?', making sure to give it a bit more volume when describing how cold yet invigorating the water was, for the benefit of those within earshot.
Murphy, who usually uploads his daily swims to Instagram – filmed on his phone from a nearby rock – opted this time to post a video from last week that he’d kept for no-people days like this.
‘Discomfort is just success in a wet jumper!’ Murphy pasted into the video description – a quote generated and copied from ChatGPT, his main source for inspirational affirmations lately.
Worried that sea swimming may be losing its popularity with try-hards, Murphy pondered what other activities he could pursue for the kudos.
‘Hill hiking is in, but that’s a lot of effort. Maybe I’ll take up pickleball! Yeah, that’s it – pickleball – and then start a pickleball podcast,’ he threatened.
Waterford Whispers News 2025 is published by Gill
Credit for Dad image: iStock/Getty Images Plus
Credit for Sea Swimmer image/Shutterstock / Sothe Sothe
